Heaven trip :) We thought we were dead literally

When you move without expectations, life rewards you in ways you can't imagine. This trip was full of so much lessons and experiences, not writing it down would make my mind explode and babble all over instagram on pics that don't even summarize it.

Last month we went on a trip to portland. It was amazing, gardens nature stole our hearts. Probably the first of those american experiences, like real americans we saw on tv not the city americans we see now for real when we moved. Everyone smiles, acknowledges you, they all have their own personality, of course portland is portland, tattoos dream of 90s is alive in portland. Thai bloom and dwarka restaurants were literally the bestest.

 Last 11 months have been kind of troublesome for my husband, he's been having health issues that no doctor could diagnose.

When someone falls sick around you ,there are so many stages, first I waited it out patiently, then patience wore off I started resenting avoiding him, then later on came the acceptance to let it play out. There were moments we were so frustrated, it looked unfair like why did we even get into spirituality, now we know we are not body mind but in experience we barely touch it, the ongoing struggle becomes vicious, then ultimately the lesson comes don't react to it, let it flow. Aaaah this paragraph took one year to sink into. Still when ego is at highest, everything falls apart. My back hasn't stopped hurting for one year too. We just accepted, made best of situations, did what we needed to do. In all this chaos, somehow peace stayed.

Now about the heavenly trip I lured you into. We booked the bnb near olympic national park thinking not much of it. It looked cool, we were the first ones to rent it so there were no reviews or comparisons. Pure fresh experience. As we found it, we gasped, its a beach with snow capped mountains surrounding it. Walking around there was like a constant wind bath, wind bath energises your body, its like a warm wind and cold wind from different sides, it heals body. When the wind is too much, just stand in it for 15 minutes and you will be refreshed. This wind was there all the time. Hike to beach was through the most fertile fields. Birds played all the time, there was an eagle's nest. It was so fascinating to observe nature immersed in it like you are in it living it.

Our cabin is set right there in the wilderness. Another american experience hits us, this is the real america, of course we had amazing pancakes to back this story. Mere simplicity and tranquility on people's faces is evidence. Its an untouched city. This is the life we should we living in an ideal world. In a place like this, you are always meditative. In a place where nature thrives, human spirit soul is free. In this city, every human is acknowledged and blooming to full.

Meditated, danced on beach, ran through fields, aligned our bodies with wind water energy, yeah and honestly this part would have been enough. But then god said, I am not done. What more did you say last time, hmm let me throw in some dogs for you to play with. We played and played, ultimately understood what dogs teach. Its not the unconditional love, its the fact they are so in the moment , they are just happy and full of excitement, at the same time they know when its time to move on. They don't want to repeat the same experience with the same person or hold on to us. They are free, they know they are happy no matter what. A dog doesn't depend on you, its for you to learn the ultimate connection that you can have with all the souls on this planet. Its just a minute trailer to the wholesome existence. Imagine the kindness of creation. Moment you stop asking for more to consume or possess, you are free and full of love.

Okk and we were like cool, went to a few tourist spots. Have you ever noticed we never take a pause in hikes. Its all for destination, the journey is the life part, destination is nothing, even if you don't make it to destination, the journey was full of life right. Destination is nothing but a setting by egoic mind to keep you away from life, to keep you away from your being. You don't care where you land, you just live life. Plan, travel knowing there is no entangling or disappointments. Try not to talk through hikes or life in general, try not to move on to next as soon as possible. Just stay in moment.  Accept life, celebrate life every moment, give your best, move on, be a nomad every moment. Pain of body, mind tried to get to us sometimes but the moment we realized we can shrug it off like some illusion, it didn't matter.

Last day, we decided okk lets stay one more evening. We couldn't get enough of the bird watching, sunsets, full moon, beach walks. We meet this another old  couple and we discover a river just there, chirping birds flowing glacier river, another present to be in present. Of course, old couple has dogs, I played with them, fetch tug of war aaah just let myself loose. There is so much to learn from every human. They were really cool. And we went, we are dying tomorrow, this was all we wished for, within 3 days we have done it all, yeah we are dying, full moon, stars, sunsets goodbye see you in next birth.

Our lessons, yeah flow with life. No whys No conclusions, no past, no future, just life.

In one video, adyashanti said creation takes us on vacations to remind us of our true purpose and brings us back to our homes to tell us this is where you have to bring it. When you are on vacation, don't run don't chase just sit down and let creation speak to you. Its a real pleasant song we are all dancing to, its out there.

Thanks
NAMASTE

Meditation and acting: Totally related

Every single time I told my dad, why do they expect me to be acting a certain way or act or dress their way, he would say just act, be happy inside in every situation just play the role and get out, no gain no loss. You make people happy by not losing yourself over the concept of your self created identity that is resisting change. Best part you weren't even trying to do it for them. You come out of it untouched and happier.

I didn't like going or meeting people, then we started meditation, of course you love accept people, initially honestly I could go days loving but moment they triggered my emotions, I was out of control. Its like someone had the leash on me, they could just press switch and make me woof emotionally, physically. That struggle to be on path and yet not so sane enough to have the faith, followed by guilt of failing myself. Its a solid kick to heart, shakes you up.

I heard so many enlightened beings, the underline of most of the conversations would be just act, this is a theater we call life, you are an actor, in every scene you change your script, emotions, body language according to people around. We all do it unconsciously, why not observe and consciously be happy and more giving.  When you can't cope with a situation, you kind of freak out which is also an acting, now you are touched by fake drama, its like a tv serial actor complains how much she has to work for her mother-in-law when in fact she's not even married for real. Now I could avoid all people places situations but there's still going to be at least 1 person who I will communicate with. My husband, my mom, my dog anyone can be the trigger. Can I stop being triggered?

Just be an actor like a day's job, go perform, come back untouched. I tried, I would go and meet people, play a role happily all the while observing different personalities. When you are out of yourself, you see so much more in people. Their insecurities, their fears, their strengths, their traits that they think define them. Everything is out there. Then you understand a lot.You stop judging, its a zoo out there with so many species of humans. And best of all, those inner voices that tell your current status like a popping icon vanish. You are there just experiencing silence inside life outside. Its like I walk in somewhere, instantly the observer is out, I notice when I lose my calm, around who and why. Best part, we are not pretending, we are genuinely happy. No more ego boosting.

Does observing become straining? Any new practice will be. Its new, we don't know how much effort to put in. In a month, you become really calm, you can see yourself as a third person observing the same scene  you are yourself in, it is like you are flowing with nature blessing everyone around  and now you can act even better because there is no vested interest or desire. This all happens effortlessly in 2 months. Even at times you are suffering, you know learn and improvise.

Does radar go off? Yes a lot of times, in the starting it would really bug me but then that is also a part of process. It will go off on off on off on. Sometimes its off for days, I walk around empty thinking nothing just looking observing but no matter how much I try, I can't act. Its like white silence that you actually listen to. When it goes off, just observe, this shall pass too. You are the sky, thoughts are clouds that come and go.

Last time when I went to wedding, I wasn't ready. Even though I was meditating, I wasn't powerful enough to not let things touch me. This time it worked like a charm. Wherever god put me, I did what was needed. Now worries, sadness are clearly indicators and you can be prepared before you fall in their pit. Another pit is when I get over excited, happy I lose the control and flow with my thoughts. There is nothing wrong in being joyful or sad. Just the moment its over, it should be done with. No more reliving the old times rush or avoiding the difficult thing.

All is same for an actor, drama romance tragedy all is same. Maintain the state of samta or parity, keep love peace purity as basis. You don't have to do anything, just observe meditate and don't fall into the traps of self analysis, guilt.

I love you all,
Life is what it is, accept or not.
When you are shooting a family movie, why is it you are all smiles making it as perfect as possible because its on record well news is everything is on record so smile love accept all time and life will be like a breeze.

You are doing it for you. Nobody gets more benefits than you.

Be equanimous. Happiness, sadness are all same for you, the actor in drama who's very silent and still inside.

Thanks,
NAMASTE

Meditation phase: Too rushed to get there

Honeymoon phase is over in meditation for me now. In beginning, it was like someone showed a door of happiness that felt like nothing I had ever felt. No experience with drugs or alcohol or food compared to this. Just as advertised. It was perfect. I didn't need anything anyone to be happy. All I did was shambhavi twice a day. A lot of wisdom strikes theoretically. It was so pumping we made a lot of changes in diet and lifestyle.

Last time when we went home in may, even though we had been meditating, we didn't come back untouched from all the chaos that surrounded us. It stayed in conversations for months, all the soul corrupting stuff we keep talking about in loops. Shambhavi practice with mooji sadhguru bk shivani are carving my life. This time the change was so so out there, every person I met every situation I was in was purely energy of freedom and joy. I connected with all, met everyone like it was first time, heard them and in turn got so much love.Best thing, saw people in their own drama. Every time we see people, we look at their drama from our drama's perspective. If we just look at them from observer mode, it makes you so much more aware of their life. There is no need to judge or criticise others or yourself. Past is past.  I came back untouched this time. All I did was not do the act of self preservation. Well, vipasanna definitely helped, it calmed me down and gave me so many answers I was looking for. A lot of work has to be done. This is just .000001 %.

One mistake that we have been doing is we are trying to rush this process. In turn, we are losing ease in life, gaining anxiety. Unless I am at ease, there is no way meditation can progress. We left a lot of activities that made us happy, in process we created a negativity towards them which is again wrong. The whole point of living this life is to be relaxed and still focussed. Experiences sensations of consciouness happen for those who are receptive not for people who are restrained. Walking around like a gun to head is the worst. Don't drink, don't eat this, don't talk like this. Working against body, mind can't be good in long run. It took 30 years for this conditioning, how did we expect to be free in 2 years. Lets take it slow. If I could take it faster, definitely I would but right now this is the only sensible thing to do. Stay true to practice. Don't get so attached to your practice, it creates ill feeling for people or situations that come in between. Get that balance. Do meditation, get rid of compulsions. Walk at your own pace, you will arrive. Hehe just don't walk too slow.


Hope god helps me.

Thanks

NAMASTE

Meditation serious phase

There are so many phases of meditation especially when you are just starting off. 12 years and you will still be a beginner. It depends on so many things, karma parents situations home job blah blah. So many terms to make sense of, so many people to revisit with new set of spiritual rules. At the same time, we see so many videos but practical moments of applying them rarely come.

Be conscious always. Don't be entangled but play your role. Be on like krishna. Meditate a lot. Eat sattvic diet. Separate involvement from entanglement. Aah so many of them. When you get involved, you forget to be happy. When you get into playing a role, you are entangled with memories of past or future. When you want to eat right, you google to an extent it drives you crazy. We forgot the basis of all this, ease damn ease. First of all be at ease, maintain joy happiness then comes being an observer then not taking it any seriously. 

This is just a movie, a play we call life. I forget again and again, I suffer again and again, then I am reminded again. So instead of being in previous cycles, there is a new illusion cycle where I think I am working on myself with the whole notion of being on the right path, but actually again my mind has me trapped in a loop, the loop of self satisfying righteousness. 

So what has changed, not much. First I was conserving myself my luxuries, now I am trying to conserve peace happiness from people. Still, its the same reaction to the same situation. Selfishness still overrides. 

Hmm so meditation started to stabilize, after around 5 months of shambhavi, sometimes either you get too serious about it or too lazy. I was really happy and because meditation was the source, I started preserving that practice like my precious, any thing any person that came in way became my enemy. Don't disturb me, don't talk to me now , lets ignore this person, lets avoid the situation. In a way, I resisted life so much, it started getting duller boring. I lost my happiness. One day I woke up realizing what never happened in 8 years of my marriage had happened, we started acting like our parents. Yeah, that was the wake up call. You are lost again.

May be not take it too seriously. Have fun, be at ease. Do things you love. Take it lightly. Follow your practices every day but don't be bound to them. Loosen grip on life, don't tighten it. Meditation is for a lot of reincarnations, don't stake everything on it. Have a good diet. Keep healthy lifestyle. Don't stress too much. Let life flow. It takes time to change life long habits, body mind all of them. 

Seriousness also gives this satisfaction that you are working so hard. You have found your goal, lets not be bothered by these worldly distractions and run to finish line. Thats where we are wrong. These are all our learning curves designed by us. Finish your track completely joyfully meditatively. Meet every person with full love, consciousness. Do your best.

Mooji is pretty awesome. Listen to him.

Thanks

Too much stumbling I tell you

Hehe there is so much stumbling when you realize all your life it has been an unconscious ride giving in to all kinds of mental desires, ills. Does it become easier because you now know? Not really, life becomes a constant scrutiny of thoughts emotions actions. When you do something right, you instantly understand the simplicity of the act you could have done all your life. When you do something wrong, aaah its like a cactus prick, double guilt hits. First one is of course you slipped second one is all your life you were slipping so much it has become a familiar pit to fall into and crawl back from.


All my conversations used to flow earlier. Now they don't flow, there are lot of options, reactions in mind. Instant one is always the incorrect lifelong way of reaction. At the back of mind, there is a conflict if I should correct this person or not. Then if I do correct, it so happens I corrected a bit early and they didn't even need direction or they start defending themselves saying they didn't mean it that way. My to the day worst experience is with new meditators like me because we are all lost and stuck in different phases yet so confident sometimes what we say must be damn true. I know that feeling, I used to feel that arrogance so my mind catches it, tries to aggravate me which is another level of arrogance from my side. Hehe anyone heard of those infinite loops in C that take up all the space because you forgot to add a simple condition in mind, Don't look up to anyone, don't look down on anyone. They are just acting on their life's experiences.  Why would I get angry if I didn't give myself so much importance?   Again, its not how conversation should be. Its like how I would really want to express is not processed properly right now. So honestly, its failure.

Same goes with desires. The kind of desires that pop up are not even mine some days. Desire can take any form. Even a spiritual desire becomes overwhelming, it also becomes a  chase. What do you really want,  what do you really really deeply want? This introspection is so crucial and yet so unattainable at that moment. How can we be so clouded by our own thoughts and emotions? Sometimes a single obsession rules it day and day over. I know it all the way its nothing I would ever care for. Still after going through all the hell of confusing states, the realization comes. Struggles go on a routine basis, they tire me so much but halfway of this is just a depressing phase. Once you realize the intensity of goal, you know its just minor trifles. A kid cries over everything in a day to day life, within a minute they are over it. To them that is the worst moment but how they recover is the key to it. Letting go is the key here.

A meditator can be a worst critic of themselves and people around. They might be just beginning but seeing what they do wrong in life, what others are doing wrong. Now to me that is the biggest hurdle, mind starts with a positive note all the while judging them at the same time. Its not an intrinsic process I can't control. Its just I never controlled it so it will take time to practice. Accept people is not just a statement but how can I be involved in meaningless chatter. It means nothing to me right. Well, I guess do what is needed is the principle here. Do your duties, do what is needed in world from you, there is no overdoing it, no underdoing it. So essentially, your advice or your dilemma would not be understood by others because they have a different life. Emotions make us over do things. Self preservation leads to not performing duties in name of thousand reasons, best logical reason meditation. Make a balance, decide what is important to do, what you must do, what you need not do and then go about it.

The biggest of my problems is I am constantly thinking what is this person thinking of me. I don't know why there is this immense need to prove that yes I am good, yes I am happy, yes I am doing it right, yes I know, why does it matter how anyone sees me. It shouldn't its their process. Why am i concerned about what happens in their mind? Why do I want to manipulate it to something I would want them to think? In whatsapp chats, conversations, if we just state our truth to whosoever is on the other side, it would be so much easier. Why am I trying to customize people's experience with the same me. I am not saying brutal straightforward truths, just not pretending to be something there is no need to be. This whole pleasing or trying to fit in part is such a downer in so many ways. So essentially, every time this comes, I am going to put a stop to it. No more of this nonsense too. That doesn't mean you withdraw from society, you can still crack jokes, laugh, dance, appreciate people. Its not just one way we all communicate.

Next time, in any situation, this will be my plan

Remain calm, if you get that fast heart or scary thing going where you feel like lying or getting defensive, that being surrounded by predators feeling, take a breath, wait for a minute, then speak with the right state of intention.
There are no more old relationships, all relationships everyone I meet would be like I am meeting first time. Without any baggage or expectations, it would be the new me not some old version going on record again.
I will do what is needed, I will see every situation as something of my making and enjoy it to fullest.
I will not compromise my meditation and diet rules. I will plan in advance so i don't resent any person place . That is the path of life.
I will not preach or advise unless its really needed. Before speaking, I will follow principle, is this pleasant is this necessary will this in any way help? Mind might say, yes but it has to be deep deep time consuming decision.
I will not try to be someone or something that gives me identity or binds me to a certain mold. Shedding personality can only happen that way. What would a human do here, not a wife not a daughter not a sister just a sensible human?
No more yoga talks or showoffs or pics unless I am ready to accept compliments gratefully not inflate my ego.
When i feel too excited, first I will bring myself to stable state where my mind is not in control or my emotions are not in overdrive.
When i am sad or angry, i will not blame anyone. I will think about how I became a slave to the circumstances. Then reform myself from within to be blissful again.
I will state my truth without any hint of pride or preaching or aggravation. How hard can that can be? Just no salt pepper. Just the truth. No cross questioning, nothing.

Aaah there is so much to do but thankfully I got enough time too. Suffering is inevitable but how you take it is in your hands. I can feel wounded or I can get wiser. I try to be wiser hehe most of the times but when the cycle hits again, it wounds me. Lessons lessons lessons.

Thanks,
NAMASTE

To preach or not: Practicing yogis

Why we preach

We preach because we want to share something special, a beautiful experience of mind body energy. We want everyone to feel and discover this subtle and powerful aspect of life. Its like no one told us so we really really want to change at least one life. Essentially may be pay it forward kind of emotion. Really really trying to help out someone lost like us.

When we preach

We preach when we see people doing same things we did before. How we wasted time on tv, movies, alcohol blah blah things. We preach when people ask us why we are not like them. We desperately want to when people go even a step further to persuade us to come back to their version of normality. Specially when we see people in pain created by their own miseries.

Should we preach

Hmm there are two aspects to it. First one is yes go preach, tell people about your experience and how you benefited without going into the details of your goal or whole bookish knowledge, just share your part of journey if someone is willing to listen. Say as less as possible without any intention of persuading or insisting on anything.  Now that person might be interested or not, be prepared to be detached from their life's decisions.
Don't go telling everyone, hmm why because until you are strong this detachment will not come easily, your meditation will get affected, you might feel why are they not realizing this is such a great venture. Still try once so you experience it for yourself.
 For me personally, it didn't work, I am not a good speaker, so even when I was saying right thing, I didn't feel like defending arguing my point to extent I would be exhausted. But then again thats me, you can always choose your own path. Also, there is no right no wrong, everyone has their own truth. Just when people attacked me, it really got to me and disturbed my meditation. When I am calmer, my defensive nature will not be at peak. I am not ready right now.
 If someone is really seeking, all it takes is just one sentence from your side. If they are not, nothing matters. You can't convince someone to be on this path, they have to be willing. Also you are not really ready to be a leader. First be ready, get clarity then you are eligible.
Would you have listened if some random person told you 5 years ago to change your lifestyle you were proudly happy in? Its so much about timing and receptivity.
If they see you change, they will come and ask, then answer what their intention is.
अधजल गगरी छलकत जाए  
कम गुण वाला व्यक्ति दिखावा बहुत करता है
Less knowledge lesser skills more blabber. An intelligent wise person is usually quiet. 

Conclusion

You could be one of those influential ones who actually make people listen and follow. If you are, use your skill. If you are not, may be focus on your own journey first. Like in planes safety instructions, first help yourself then others. Everyone is living a full life according to themselves, they think they are at their best so approaching with necessary skills is important so you don't hurt their ego or throw spiritual terms that don't make any sense to them.

 Its a super long difficult hike, other hikes are just loops that waste time and effort. Time is so crucial in this path, its just a 100 yr old time then you are born again to who knows what kind of unconscious parents, again some years to remember come back on this path. So thinking ohh let me go slow this time, I will move to other levels in next life is like delaying the process and falling in hands of destiny again.

Again this is all just my understanding of my short practice. I might be very wrong and lost so use your own judgement. Just my view of my experiences.

NAMASTE

Meditation and Frustration: Tips

Are you frustrated? Are you wondering where are those peaceful times gone? And now that you are free of food and other desires, there is nothing that will help you out of this depression. Who would have thought meditation can do this? Technically meditation didn't, its another trick of mind to feel you less so you give up.


There are days when meditation, concentration is wonderful. One of my yoga teachers likes to say quotes in class and I barely listen because quoting a quote is not really my thing. But then one day he said something during my struggling time with body, mind, meditation. He goes, we all have our strong times weak times, days when we feel strong and we get all the praise are the days when we actually bear the fruits of weak times when we struggled a lot. So weak days are the times when we actually put all our strength in our work.


In meditation, the problem is you feel like you had reached a point. All of a sudden you have fallen into this pit all the way back. Its nothing like that at all. You are not your body, you are not your mind. So the act of sitting there for one hour no matter what is the actual one. How your body responds, how your mind interferes is just a reflection of your outer state. The balance is not there perhaps, your dedication discipline is very much there. As soon as this phase is over, your meditation would have improved. Honestly, if you think logically, okk you have a bad day or a series of those, what use is fucking yourself over it. You can not really do anything. The least favor you can do for yourself is to be in your default state, joyful peaceful state. Whatever happens, there is no sad state, straight away go to the default state, happy peace one.

You fall for compulsions, learn your lesson, move fast, happy peaceful again.
You preach too much, don't do next time, move fast, happy peaceful again.
You wasted time in desire, don't do next time,forget learn , happy peaceful again.
You can't be with people its disturbing you, may be stay alone for some time, happy peaceful again.
Your parents are bothering you, tell them what you want don't call for sometime, happy peaceful again.

Whatever happens, happy peaceful again and again.

Are we running from problems here by ignoring people? Should we face them right then and there and be over it? I tried a lot, our parents have been after us for having kids giving different kinds of social sentimental even karmic reasons. Why not talk it out right? Problem is when you are tying to find your footing in spiritual path, lost is the only way out. When discussions happen, you will always feel defeated, you don't know enough to say why you are doing what you are doing and they have a thousand things to say, they won't take no for an answer. Only way out is to request to not talk about it. Save yourself from agitation, frustration of this constant fight with the world. Accept people as they are. Who says you change, just let them be. Right in this moment, you work on yourself. Don't resist so much, flow with the world. Don't say much. Blend in where you can. If not, its okk. Everyone has their own journey. Don't take it too seriously.

Can I take advice from a meditator? I tried that too, see that also doesn't work unless you are really close to the person. So don't try it with someone you barely know. Only a knowledgeable wise person can give advice with no strings attached. A relative might add his intention or favor from your parents or society unconsciously. If nothing, their life could be totally different from yours. You are not alone, just meditate regularly for some years patiently, all answers are inside. When you are vulnerable, your wounds just need some air, no other thing helps. Let them dry up smoothly.

Meditation is a super long process. Years of practice gives guru to set you on right path. Be patient. Doing not doing exist in the same realm. Impatience intolerance is also a distraction. Try bhajans, chanting when nothing works. Calm yourself, think why are you angry, what is the solution, sort it out, be the champion. Within 15 minutes, you will smile.

Smile smile smile for you are finally on the right path. Its a bliss in itself. What if you were running around chasing in this life too.  Be grateful to cosmos, is this not enough to keep yourself in a high spirit? Think about it, count your blessings yogis.

This is all part of my experience and coping mechanism. Hope this helps someone out there.

NAMASTE

Lost found Lost...PMS ruined meditation :(

Days in a row I am so found I wasn't lost ever, then nights of lost me occur where there is nothing in me that sees hope of ever nailing this path of meditation.

Half of the month, it could be my hormones acting up, I am so boosted and motivated, my whole personality magnifies, I am happy lively outgoing, my meditation peaks my concentration focus improves. Everything every task that I do is like a joyful doing. Even my hair look better.  Especially during this time, all my creativity also comes back, lazboy couch is alone, my ass is out there in the world smiling walking waving helping finishing off regular chores with highest involvement in my life like literally. I don't gossip, super calm me imagines a preacher's face on me. Its like the identity mask changes. All sadhguru spirituality videos come pouring in, everyone who touches my life during this time gets a different version of me. These two weeks are the ultimate functioning weeks literally, my learning weeks. I am waking up at 4, swimming tabata running gosh my day is like a happiness marathon of my own making. I read books for god's sake, me reading a book aah who is this person. Even tasks that were like postponed for months get done somehow. My heaven is right there if only it continued more than 15 days.

Then comes another half of the month, my back starts acting up and poof goes my meditation in air. No focus, no concentration, a billion useless thoughts in mind that don't even matter to me. I mean honestly even if the wedding was tomorrow, I wouldn't lift finger today but then why the hell is it making rounds in my mind when meditating. My back doesn't even allow me to do easy poses when my latest accomplishment was king pigeon. Its frustrating.It could be annoying pms, no wonder women choose bhakti route. Hormones must help in that path.  Outgoing me transforms into this introvert home caged person who doesn't even see bk shivani anymore. My hair are like a stray dog's dirty fur, either too oily or too rough.  I am watching useless shows, movies all the while realizing what I am doing. But spirituality isn't even a bit appealing.  This is the lost phase, the worst part is all kinds of compulsive habits soar up, controlling them, being conscious takes more toll but the moment I give in, I know it will be like missing an exit and driving another 50 miles till another one comes. It could be my anemia but still how lost can you really be.? How unmotivated disheartened can you wander around? All kinds of gossips, doubts on who likes who doesn't, all kinds of insecurities are popping up. Its like my own created living hell of emotions which the fuck I don't give a fuck then why the fuck are they popping up. I need nonsense blocker for mind.

Hopefully this shall pass soon. Finally found, never lost again. This hope is so fake, from what I have read, 15 days can convert into months of nothing nada progress too. So yeah just follow schedule do what how you can do best that day I guess. Push, surrender do whatever it takes to keep me floating.

What how why meditation?

As soon as you google meditation, there are so many options and they are all very confusing. Which one to follow, is just any guided meditation okk or there is a specific way to do it? For almost an year, we did it on our own. It helps a bit but without a structure, as soon as something strikes you crumble. You got to have a plan in it too.

It is not something we can keep changing everyday. What helped me in stabilizing my body and mind is shambhavi mahamudra by sadhguru. Similar kind of practice  called sudarshan kriya is taught by sri sri ravi shankar Following or devoting yourself to a person is not the point. In that way, we are putting them on some higher aisle believing we can't be like them. Its about learning the art of evolving our body and mind. Every human being has the potential to be like sadhguru or ravi shankar or any other gurus. You don't have to become a guru, you just follow a systematic method of awakening consciousness. Again this is not in my experience so I can only aspire to be free. There are certain processes that help in aligning body with mind to be meditative. 

Any person who says something that can benefit you in any way is your guru. Dog is your guru when he gives you unconditional love, child is your guru when he lets go instantly, cat is your guru when it chooses not to eat unconsciously, sun is your guru when it is just being itself not giving not being partial, tree is your guru when it gives you oxygen to survive. Everyone has something to teach us, we just have to be available. It doesn't matter who you learn meditation from as long as the technique is right. Just don't go for the uber hippie stuff, its a very traditional serious thing. Yogananda paramhansa's books are pretty awesome. His geeta is perfect. But books are not a substitute for real way of practicing. 

So some kind of discipline or practice brings a lot of change. It helped me in fixing my sleep time, even reducing it. My food habits are way better now, I need less and there is abundance of energy all day long. The way i see and treat people changed too. For this process to take place, all I did was staying true to my practice which doesn't even take more than 2 hours in a day. 2 hours out of 24 hours is nothing. I am a total beginner so my experience is a bit limited. 

This procedure is working for me. If I had to suggest, it would be learn some practice, do yoga everyday, read inner engineering ,taste of well being books. Not all at once, slowly slowly find time for these things. Even if we shift waking up time by half an hour every week, within  a month we are waking at 5 from 7. You can try yoga at a nearby studio or from youtube just start with 20 minutes of yoga. In food also, start eliminating things slowly. If we try do to everything all together, we are bound to fail. It takes time for body to understand and adjust to new routines, food practices. 

Not just you, people around you will benefit from your changes too. Your kids will learn from your example not from plain hollow preachings. Your parents might approach old age with more graciousness and less desires. Your co workers will feel more safe and open around you. In  a way, you will be whatever life needs you to be without any effort. 

NAMASTE

Meditation phase temptation :)

Well, its really easy to take resolutions, whats difficult is following through. Some people give up with the easiest route, make a silly excuse like I don't even have the time to do it, some people actually try for like a week and then come up with the excuse hmm I really don't have the time, then there are others who know this is not a way out process. You are either totally in or eating out hehe see what I did there. I personally favored postponing tool which is like someday maybe translated to never in my life because I was too fucking lazy. I am trying to get rid of bad habits, they slow us down pull us down. Its like running a marathon with weights with no whatsoever intentions of winning, trying and winning need different amounts of determination and will.

You might say I am trying to act too smart here calling your genuine life problems excuses, so your husband has an early meeting, you wake up early prepare lunch on that day right because you really wanted to and there was no other way. In situations where we don't really want to be involved,we come up with all kinds of meaningful logical excuses. Next time your mind throws an excuse, pause repeat the question and really really think how can I do it and how will it affect your life?

So this phase of meditation is temptations. Everything that we gave up is striking, pulls us in that direction, if we give in to temptation, we resent learn a new lesson and we are back on your path even more focussed. Its like you have been warned. All kinds like eating, tv, laziness, movies, sulking come back with more power, they catch you in the weakest moment like a tiger waiting to attack its prey when its most unguarded and vulnerable. The path is pretty steep though, if you are not careful, the loop of worldly materialism is back on route. Old patterns look comfortable to fall back into but in long term we are just sleeping on our own ikea cactus bed.

There will be days or weeks in stretch when nothing will happen in meditation. I see it like yoga, for months there are no improvements in my yoga, my dancer pose has been stuck for an year, but that doesn't mean the body is not working. When big changes are on way, it takes time to unfold them in their full picture. If we give up in between, we stop the process.

All we have to do is just do it, what will we gain out of gaming, tv, eating. We did it all our lives, got nothing out of it just entanglements and more knots in life. It was fun but it doesn't complete us. So meditation to me seems like the only way, the only adventure of life I want to be on. It is an adventure, there are so many moments where instantly I realize  what is going wrong, how I can be better next time. Its life changing phenomenon of course it will take years. We gathered all this rubbish in minds, its not easy to recycle this kind of garbage.


 I will do what is needed of me, nothing less nothing more.

Alcohol Cannabis out Meditation in

Whoops this post was the least expected one. I mean me leaving alcohol was kind of coming up but cannabis aah that was a life changing decision.  Honestly, cannabis brought meditation in our lives too so this is such a betrayal from our side. We dumped cannabis for spiritual trials.

Some moments, some decisions pop up suddenly with age and degrading body. Its like it's meant to be but a few years are given to reach that on your own. It was truly fun while it lasted but more important things were queued up in life.

With intoxicants, you kind of crave for them. Loads of excitement, fun, happiness does come with it but it doesn't last long then of course there's hangover. If you can be high on life without all of these, why not right?

Well, of course meditation will take time. Its a practice that needs a lot of patience. It needs mind and body alignment so this is not going to be easy but hopefully all will be worth it. Anyways, alcohol wasn't really a long term solution and cannabis creates a layer between us and mind. Honestly, everything we eat everything we drink, its all for happiness. Its important to recognize when they become just a habit. When we start drinking, smoking as a ritual not for fun, end is near. Most of us just drink on weekends so none of us are really addicts.  Exit is just a state of mind for us.

I am not going to be a hypocrite and be one of those who want to preach and ban everything they are not on. I think both of them improved my life in those moments, gave me more freedom from my small town personality, they helped me dance when I couldn't dance sober, they helped me express when I was shit scared normally, they introduced sadhguru to us. So enjoy till you can and when you feel like, you can leave them too. Just don't get addicted. Have fun with everything in control.

 Its your life, you decide but do try meditation.

Don't lose yourself in spirituality

There has been an ongoing conflict in me, who am I ? In this process to be kinder, in bowing to divine in everyone, divine in me lost sight of itself. I realized this while talking to my sister, at the end of conversation suddenly it occurred to me my voice was high confident free, it wasn't thinking high low or judging, we were just talking. It filled me with so much positive self reliance, yogi in me rocked class. Suddenly, there was this enthusiasm bubbling like I was coming out of some kind of dimming drug, as soon as it was out of system, I was me again.

So on my transformation journey, this was the biggest hurdle, still is. Trying to treat others nicely made me sink lower, instead of being an independent self reliant person, I began thinking whole of me needs renovation literally. I lowered my voice unconsciously, sheepish smile on lips. To be meditative or spiritual, yes you should not have wrong vices but at the same time don't push yourself so much you lose faith in yourself.

Whatever character traits you hold have been defining you all these years, not all of them are junk. It kind of hit my destination was right, path was wrong. I can be soft yet strong at same time. In trying to praise others I am not diminishing my worth. See, somehow some things are hardcore. Like this one, to compete or be better, someone has to do worse. In life, there is just one track that we run on. We can choose to run, stand, glide or merely rest. When you are running what others do on their tracks is not your business ,its when you do nothing comparisons build up. It shouldn't really bother me how anyone else does at yoga. Well it does. Its time to get out of comfort sinkhole of hiding back with the convenience of peace on face. Fake timid happiness will keep me glued to starting line of track.

In my yoga class, in that moment where I reached and pushed myself to reach deeper, I took a vow to not lose sight of this strength and determination, to be fierce in everything. Fierceness is a necessary trait to be successful on this journey or in fact any journey. Its like a tempering to boring dal. Peace, happiness are side kicks. Without wisdom of fierce mind, a single person decides to fuck up my day, they might. When you are fierce, focus lies in your path, when you are not you are merely hanging out at mercy of others' mood.

How it came to brim was all my insecurities started popping up. For god sakes, if you are doing everything right and your mind won't shut up pulling you down, you have lost control of it. Its delusional to hope meditation is going to help. See things as they are, yes no more buttering up people unconsciously, some times being a little mean, thinking a little higher of yourself helps too especially if being nice is over powering mind.

When you are over nice, you start thinking about other's comfort more, you kind of go into a state where you would rather suffer than say because that would not be abiding by geeta, well even if you feel it you  don't say it, its disturbing.Yes, its possible to be with everyone but not for everyone, it might take a few rebirths to achieve that, if avoiding helps do it. Avoiding is not a long term solution, as soon as you are strong deal with everything consciously.  Yes,there are a lot of right perfect behaviors but only when you are in right state of mind.  By curbing personality you are just putting on a mask or a cloak, it hinders development. Mask might not be available when you really need it. In that moment, you will find people unbearable to look at, simple situations will look like unconquerable mountains, pathetic people will be like villains in life.

Honestly somehow the wanna be good me convinced me to do a lot of things but nah as soon as reality would be on face, it scared me. Constantly thinking I need to be better just means more toil on brain. Do things consciously without having the persistent rule following notion. What would a logical strong person do? Reptilian brain has to be put aside, this is no more survival, this is the time to test limits.

Also, when you relinquish control, people feed on you like zombies. That is the harsh reality. 'You can not survive in this age with a peaceful smile and heart full of happiness. Someone someday will shake it, to protect it to make it stronger you need to be in control of yourself, situation, people. Drive them according to your likes without even making much of the effort.

What should be my goals now? Hmm I have to be blunt, I have to be the person I was in college with new learnt codes, that was the time no wonder what people thought, in my mind I was ruling. My favorite song was alan parsons I wouldn't want to be like you, its so motivating if you listen in a non judgmental way. It is. Scrolling through some old pics, that spark in my eyes, that arrogance of beauty, the feeling of being on top unfazed by others' life reeled me back. Current pictures are more like of a simple easy going funny person. But that girl knew she wasn't just any people defined identity.

I wouldn't want to be like you. A lot of changes are needed in my body and mind but this will give me a strong foundation. Just because I need change doesn't mean I am not perfect, its just a phase to improve perfection.I have to stop hanging out with people who add nothing to my life.

 If this thing is not nailed right now in my life, my structure will crumble under pressure of trying to be something my mind won't let me comprehend. Stay true to yourself, then move on.

Out of delusion, into reality.

Be strong. Be powerful. Power is a skill.

Take control. Be in driver's seat. Rule rule rule.

Whatever I do say feel is all for me, its got nothing to do with anyone anymore.

Time to get me back.

Hmm phase 2 of meditation sucks

Phase 1 is the best one always. It started with someone suggesting raja yoga meditation, b k shivani and her videos and sadhguru, ohh if only that phase continued all my life. It was so damn peaceful. Most of my life has been in this reckless, laidoff buzz, never really shouted or even felt anger as an emotion. To me, it was super peaceful and happy. Nothing bothered me nothing, money food clothes nothing literally well except relatives.

Now in the initial stages of meditation, my life turned into a dream. I over loved it all. Even relatives part disappeared from my life. Those walks, smiles aah.  Gosh, but dreams are just dreams. 

Phase 2 of this one is anger, a lot of anger. The only emotion I never really experienced. I am angry like hulk level angry, so angry I want to chop off people's head if I get the dagger from bahubali. And because I have never felt this, I really have no idea how to express it. Previous me just pretended to listen if some one complained or even raised voice, this me starts cursing in mind, this me just wants to make a dramatic exit, this me hates being called lazy or irresponsible or even being blamed or taught or told that my life is so fairylike,   this me just likes to be alone because anyone can make me angry or anxious. Its like walking on a minefield. I am trapped in this phase of hulk.All the hurtful words just stay with me for days. Even whatsapp conversations get to me, like why would she lie why would he blame me why won't they understand why is she so clingy. All I want to do is scream or cry but even that doesn't happen easily.  Worst part, can't express it easily, never really did it. I feel like people are trying to walk all over me, like its been happening all my life and this is the time to just shrug every single being off. Suddenly, I feel unloved and worthless and just lonely. Imagine me feeling lonely unheard like a housewife, aah god I loved being with me all by myself, just me hanging out with no feelings and a lot of fun.

 Hmm don't worry too much, this is just a phase. 

So obviously I googled. This can't be my natural state. It had to be meditation. Yep, it is. Apparently, when you start meditation and get a bit deeper into it, mind starts releasing different layers slowly. Its not like one moment you will be happy other moment you will be angry, you will be angry till all of it is out of system. Experts say release it in all the healthy ways. Start running, swimming, kickboxing anything to get rage out of your system. So next emotion can be released. Mediation just warms up in beginning so you don't leave. This is a real tough journey. If you are a product of indian parenting, even more emotions will come up. As soon as I get rid of this anger, there will be a lot of other hidden demons that will pop out in next posts. Right now, lets take care of this one. Lets shout cry swim run till all the anger is out. Yes, temptations also try to pull you back, all the stupid bollywood movies, tv shows, junk food, alcohol are calling me back but nah a lazy person knows not to waste efforts. 

Hmm married couples should just be more careful, he/she is not angry at you, its their mind releasing the toxin. Its like mind detoxification. Its not about you, at the same time don't mention this when they get angry because then it will be about you 😉 Keep meditating even though it will feel like nothing.

Try this one, it helped me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSXcZmUN0OQ

NAMASTE

THANKS

ALL THE BEST TO ME 👿👿👿👿👿👿👿👿👿

Self improvement track, stay on it:)

Last month I saw these few inspiring videos on relationships by b k shivani. I couldn't stop raving about the peace and stability they brought. Then after 2 weeks, it was the old me popping up. When we listen to something motivational, it does hit us, we affirm to its positivism. Nothing is ever absorbed deep in. So we have to keep reminding ourselves of the change we want to be.

In our heart, we all know the right things right words right expressions. How our mind reacts to situations, how we interpret them is a whole different reality. We are all spoiled brats acting like nothing is ever gonna get to us but eventually almost all our actions come back to bite us.

Fake relationships are complicated. That is why all our relationships are complicated. We pretend to communicate, we pretend to care while we gossip. We don't understand people or the reasons, we just pass judgments. There is no whatsoever effort of even getting to the core of their anger, aloofness,rudeness,greediness. I am not saying being saint is the ultimate goal. Its just we all need more compassion for our fellow riders.

My life is pretty simple,  grounded loving in laws who are just different. When they started expecting a bit of me and I couldn't open up enough, problems rose. Pretentiousness started. Trust me putting up a fake face when inside you are just looking to escape is the worst. Its better to do what you really want. Its better to be natural. If you can enjoy and make peace with the surroundings, that is the best. After all, peace is within us so we shouldn't really be bothered by variables. Haha but since most of us are not is that deep state of acceptance, lets amend the surroundings tactfully to get the same modified version of peace.

Anyways like always point is lets not get lost. So keep track of your self improvement. When you feel like you are losing peace, start seeing the same sadhguru shivani videos again. Jot your memory. Its through constant reminders that we train our brain to shut up the chatter. We don't have to be nice to people to be social or appreciated, its for our own good peaceful life. Meditation is the final answer to life's people's problems.

 Less drama, more life.

NAMASTE

My meditation journey begins :)

We get solutions when we are not even looking. More you stay married, more you meet people and that can give you a a lot of untangled situations. Lots of criticism exist for practically everyone around you. Passing judgement on friends relatives is like a regular conversation for some. I was no exception. Somehow all this criticism, complaining started getting to me. It gave me a sore heart. Thats when my friend introduced me to raja yoga. Sadhguru was always around, its just brahmakumari's layman language that got me thinking.

My friend has been attending raja yoga sessions for sometime. When I met her a month before, she couldn't stop asking me about my life cooking like she could just advice n correct me. After a month, her soul changed. There was no arrogance of knowing or suggestions. In fact, her being so nice and affectionate got me to change too.

If you ever feel hurt or damaged or disrespected or angry or any other negative notion, to root it out check youtube for b k shivani videos. Within 2 videos, consciously my mind was programmed to avoid complaining gossiping. It just stopped. Like someone hard wired me for good.

All of us are inherently decent human beings. We don't want to hurt or play mind games even unknowingly. An angry person is causing much more harm to himself than any other person.

I have not tried much yet. This is the beginning though. Guided meditation by shivani helps too. If you are strong, start with isha kriya. There is one adi shakti meditation to be the inner goddess in us. Since its just starting, there is not much I can add to this topic.

In a week, I do feel lighter and more conscious of my everyday thoughts. Its a process so start it as early as possible in life. See people as fellow souls. Don't judge them right wrong. Love and Respect to all.

NAMASTE