Days in a row I am so found I wasn't lost ever, then nights of lost me occur where there is nothing in me that sees hope of ever nailing this path of meditation.
Half of the month, it could be my hormones acting up, I am so boosted and motivated, my whole personality magnifies, I am happy lively outgoing, my meditation peaks my concentration focus improves. Everything every task that I do is like a joyful doing. Even my hair look better. Especially during this time, all my creativity also comes back, lazboy couch is alone, my ass is out there in the world smiling walking waving helping finishing off regular chores with highest involvement in my life like literally. I don't gossip, super calm me imagines a preacher's face on me. Its like the identity mask changes. All sadhguru spirituality videos come pouring in, everyone who touches my life during this time gets a different version of me. These two weeks are the ultimate functioning weeks literally, my learning weeks. I am waking up at 4, swimming tabata running gosh my day is like a happiness marathon of my own making. I read books for god's sake, me reading a book aah who is this person. Even tasks that were like postponed for months get done somehow. My heaven is right there if only it continued more than 15 days.
Then comes another half of the month, my back starts acting up and poof goes my meditation in air. No focus, no concentration, a billion useless thoughts in mind that don't even matter to me. I mean honestly even if the wedding was tomorrow, I wouldn't lift finger today but then why the hell is it making rounds in my mind when meditating. My back doesn't even allow me to do easy poses when my latest accomplishment was king pigeon. Its frustrating.It could be annoying pms, no wonder women choose bhakti route. Hormones must help in that path. Outgoing me transforms into this introvert home caged person who doesn't even see bk shivani anymore. My hair are like a stray dog's dirty fur, either too oily or too rough. I am watching useless shows, movies all the while realizing what I am doing. But spirituality isn't even a bit appealing. This is the lost phase, the worst part is all kinds of compulsive habits soar up, controlling them, being conscious takes more toll but the moment I give in, I know it will be like missing an exit and driving another 50 miles till another one comes. It could be my anemia but still how lost can you really be.? How unmotivated disheartened can you wander around? All kinds of gossips, doubts on who likes who doesn't, all kinds of insecurities are popping up. Its like my own created living hell of emotions which the fuck I don't give a fuck then why the fuck are they popping up. I need nonsense blocker for mind.
Hopefully this shall pass soon. Finally found, never lost again. This hope is so fake, from what I have read, 15 days can convert into months of nothing nada progress too. So yeah just follow schedule do what how you can do best that day I guess. Push, surrender do whatever it takes to keep me floating.
Half of the month, it could be my hormones acting up, I am so boosted and motivated, my whole personality magnifies, I am happy lively outgoing, my meditation peaks my concentration focus improves. Everything every task that I do is like a joyful doing. Even my hair look better. Especially during this time, all my creativity also comes back, lazboy couch is alone, my ass is out there in the world smiling walking waving helping finishing off regular chores with highest involvement in my life like literally. I don't gossip, super calm me imagines a preacher's face on me. Its like the identity mask changes. All sadhguru spirituality videos come pouring in, everyone who touches my life during this time gets a different version of me. These two weeks are the ultimate functioning weeks literally, my learning weeks. I am waking up at 4, swimming tabata running gosh my day is like a happiness marathon of my own making. I read books for god's sake, me reading a book aah who is this person. Even tasks that were like postponed for months get done somehow. My heaven is right there if only it continued more than 15 days.
Then comes another half of the month, my back starts acting up and poof goes my meditation in air. No focus, no concentration, a billion useless thoughts in mind that don't even matter to me. I mean honestly even if the wedding was tomorrow, I wouldn't lift finger today but then why the hell is it making rounds in my mind when meditating. My back doesn't even allow me to do easy poses when my latest accomplishment was king pigeon. Its frustrating.It could be annoying pms, no wonder women choose bhakti route. Hormones must help in that path. Outgoing me transforms into this introvert home caged person who doesn't even see bk shivani anymore. My hair are like a stray dog's dirty fur, either too oily or too rough. I am watching useless shows, movies all the while realizing what I am doing. But spirituality isn't even a bit appealing. This is the lost phase, the worst part is all kinds of compulsive habits soar up, controlling them, being conscious takes more toll but the moment I give in, I know it will be like missing an exit and driving another 50 miles till another one comes. It could be my anemia but still how lost can you really be.? How unmotivated disheartened can you wander around? All kinds of gossips, doubts on who likes who doesn't, all kinds of insecurities are popping up. Its like my own created living hell of emotions which the fuck I don't give a fuck then why the fuck are they popping up. I need nonsense blocker for mind.
Hopefully this shall pass soon. Finally found, never lost again. This hope is so fake, from what I have read, 15 days can convert into months of nothing nada progress too. So yeah just follow schedule do what how you can do best that day I guess. Push, surrender do whatever it takes to keep me floating.
No comments:
Post a Comment