How I fixed my in-law relationships? Untangling knots of life

How did your relationship with your parents start? Or in fact think of every new relationship you make, friends, colleagues, siblings, husband blah blah. They all start on happier cheerful notes with the wish to at least give a chance, understand this person. Hell, we even go for drinks with people we barely know.

My relation with my in-laws started on like jaggery level sweet note, super sweet. My mother-in-law(mil) is the sweetest smartest mom I had met. I grew up with a homemaker mom which is awesome too but seeing this woman managing a house, job, relatives so well left an impression on me. She loved me with all her heart, my father-in-law (fil) cracked jokes around me like a new friend would do. We visited forts, ate ice golas, took loads of simple family pics. 

In our last few calls, trips all I did was finding something wrong with them or their nature or their acts. It had to blast up and it did, they felt we didn't respect or communicate enough. So the whole act of trying to find peace also suffered. It made me realize what tricks mind was playing. There is no reaction without an equal force action. 

From last few weeks, it was over contemplation on this topic. Over years, we forget the good qualities of people and all we see is their faults. I forgot how she got me my fav sarees, helped me drape them, got me jewelry, never really made me cook and the best one raised this husband of mine.

So, one day looking over old pics, I decided I am gonna call them and ask every single evil skeptical thought my mind has been cooking broiling. It could be the most bravest thing  I ever did I mean kind of in a personal way. My fil picked up, I asked him dad are you angry with me? He said no I could never be angry with you, you are my daughter. Next question, why didn't we talk much then? He said we were all busy. Then we discussed each and every incident from their visits to food to wedding for like an hour. Yeah, in the end he told me he might not be very expressive but every time we leave, he cries. It was like a simple broken bridge was reconstructed. Ohh I felt so lighter.

Again, I talked to my mil too, I asked her why we were not shopping, laughing, is she mad at me? She expressed in the sweetest words, you are a piece of my heart, you are the daughter I never had, I will always love you, everytime I see you dressed up all I want to do is take your pics hehe i almost choked there. It was heart to heart conversation.

Again, sometimes emotions get you more than the actual act. Its like seeing a dog or a kid movie where you wail hopelessly for the dying ones but you never owned them. 

They expressed what they wanted from us which wasn't something that concerned me. Fulfilling people's expectations is in our hands. Love, attachment, expectations are part of different worlds. They are not same category of emotions.

Trust me if you have not tried, try it once. Have a open conversation with a clear heart. Who knows past might just be all easily erasable.

There were some other relatives who had gossiped about me. The old me avoided them as much as possible but new me talked to them with a fresh start and with conversations I saw their different sides of life and started seeing them like a person not just a relative. All you have to do is be nice and happy all for your own happiness and improved quality of life. See all as equal with no history with you. And voila lighter  fully charged soul. 

Aaah now peace can come. Accept people as they are, see the good in them. It really helps.

A few pointers before you have this kind of conversation.

First of all this does not mean you are going to agree to all of their rules or their way of life. It just means you accept how they live and let them be. This conversation is no means an indicator that you are trying to change to be better for them or you will turn into salman khan from baghban. "Maaji meri jagah to aapke charnon mein hai yeh lo bmw " You are not punishing yourself here. You live your life how you always lived in isolation or partying.

Also, don't make any false promises in these kind of conversations like ohh you can visit us next summer when we start planning kids because your parents really want to stay with your grandkids celebrating teaching all festivals. No, whatever you decide should be for your happiness not their wishes or expectations. Don't over act or be over sweet.

With every relationship, there is a terms and conditions box. Just because you are nice to everyone now doesn't mean they are all awesome apps that you just give permission to access your media, files, emotions of life. No, don't check that box. You can't trust normal emotional people with that much power. Who knows, what kind of imprisonment missiles, grenades come in those boxes for their own unfulfilled desires?

Remember in-law relationships go a long long way till you are almost old. So don't fuck it up with false pretenses of becoming ram sita. If you can't handle emotions strongly, don't do it. Whole point is to be unattached and love all the same. No one is above you, no one is below you. No one controls you. No one you control. Its isolation we seek. In no way, you are guilty or responsible for some other person's life. You don't owe anyone anything. A kid can cry for loads of things, doesn't mean parents give them everything.  That way you create stubborn authorities.

Life is a precious dream. You can design howsoever you want it.

If someone starts shouting, just leave the situation and tell them it was your part to try but unless they calm down you will not have the conversation again. Find peace in the thinking act of caring and trying. Don't lose your temper, if it starts affecting you leave the conversation.


It just was a peaceful act for the sake of soul and untangling knots. Well, parents have to understand to expect less too but that is not my lesson to give. May be it was their expectations that drove us far. Who cares though, my point is it will make your conscience clear. Do it for that, nothing more nothing less. 

I hope I find more love in my heart to extend this feeling of inclusion in a physical sense too. Who wouldn't like the kind of setting they show in south indian movies, perfect happy family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P_0Q8CIjw8&list=RD2P_0Q8CIjw8

If you want to live life, never make an opinion about anything any person any act. Conclusion means death. Life means no conclusion. Whatever conclusions you have , just give it up. Look at everything fresh.

Have you seen that video where sadhguru interacts with karan johar? In that karan johar asks why father son relationship is difficult. Try seeing that video. Its really insightful.

Thanks,

Namaste

Why its not cool to ask for grandkids?

I meet a lot of women from 20s to 90s age circle. Most of them have the same problem, grandkids. I am not against children. They are truly a miracle.

While pursuing them, sometimes we get too insensitive.

First category that I have met is a very well spoken educated class of mother-in-laws. They know using words tactfully is important. At the same time, they can't wait to be grandmoms too. So their underlying wish sometimes takes the form of internal resentment against their daughter-in-laws which again they can't express publicly. If we suffer internally, its bad for us so the energy gets channeled to other people, probably girl's parents are asked a lot why they are not having kids. Its assumed girl is looking to be fit and probably doesn't want kids or she is too much focussed on career and doesn't understand time is passing by.  I understand their pain and longing too. When you want something that badly and everyone around is blessed with grandkids, that makes the wait longer. They are not too interfering and just ask once in 6 months.

Now, solution is talk to your son. Ask him whats whys all the questions you have in your mind. Don't presume anything. Have a session and then just leave it to them. You really can't make someone do something they are not ready for.


Second category is kind of pushy. They really really desperately want a grandkid, if walmart sold them, they would have bought some. In their desperation, they kind of lose mind to the extent of rudeness and cross boundaries. Obviously, they are suffering more. One of my friends' mom and mom-in-law keep track of her cycles and every month every call is only about why she is not having kids, how she is not eating properly or how she is not careful. All the tricks of the modern and ancient world are told to her. They even have back up options to replace her when she fails. I am serious. What a guy does is another story.

Now, solution here is to look at your daughter-in-law. How much would you cry if you really wanted a kid and couldn't have one? Would it be helpful if you rather just cheer her up and ask only when she wants to talk about it? She is following all the medical advice. We know you care but sometimes overcaring is deadly. You are making her feel more insecure, scared, messing up her hormones and interfering way too much. Its sensible to let husband wife sort this one out. At the end of it, this is their life. When you see your daughter-in-law's pain and suffering of not having a kid, it will be zillion times your own. Be mature for once and act your age.

I saved the best for the last. This is the smart sensible rare category of mother-in-laws who deeply understand that you can't push anyone to have a kid. They don't interfere, they just tell you once that when you want to plan, be healthy talk to your doctor. If you are not interested, its your choice. I met this amazing lady whose son was getting married. She told me a person should only have kids if they have the ultimate will patience and dedication to raise a responsible human being. We need that more instead of all the unwanted junk we are producing in the world. This category also knows that their son's future is with this girl, the success of their relationship is vital to his happiness.

I am not an expert on this topic. I can just request to be more thoughtful of your son's and daughter-in-law's feelings. Advice when they ask you to. Don't interfere even when they are planning. Don't blame anyone for this no-grandkid life. You raised kids and it was your chance to have fun. Register this deeply, its not your wish that matters and your strong wish might just poison your own life. After a while, they will avoid you because all you bring to table would be demands, promises for you.

 Let them handle this phase of life. It will make them stronger. You don't want a grandkid who was conceived with a lot of fears, insecurities in mother. If you really want a grandkid and your kids don't want kids, start volunteering for orphanages. Hang out with those kids. They might value you more than your own.

Inherently you are never related to soul that comes in grandkids, they will only be like you if you start teaching them your habits. Otherwise, they can become much greater human beings. Hehe just saying :)

For husbands, just talk to your parents so they don't feel like your wife is denying you the kid option. Make them listen and understand its your decision too. That is your way of protecting your companion.

Just keep in mind, your son loves you a lot and that is the only reason your daughter-in-law gives you these chances. Be nice to her for she has no attachment but the one that she loves this guy you call your son way too much. She truly does.

Donts for Guests

Its such an obvious post to start with and pretty much every married woman has zillion inputs to give. But here's my version of what counts as a boundary cross. As an indian, we are expected to entertain guests no matter how distant how uncomfortable it makes you. So lets start with our list:

First of all, my kitchen is not yours

Until you really ask me what I would want to eat cook or even order, you really have no mom card here. I hate it when people come and they own the kitchen, cook potatoes which i hate, veggies i never eat, oil i couldn't have finished in an year gets finished in a week. Its not about the money, its just you feel no power in your own customized kitchen. I mean everyone has a diet regime they are used to. Frankly its rude just plain rude.

Second, no judging.

Ohh judging part is the worst. Do you even cook, why dress like this, how much did you buy it for, comb your hair seriously i mean how about mind your f***ing business.  I forgot the most used one, she's still sleeping. So if you sleep till 7 you are sleeping till 9, never understood that math. In your own comfort zone, you feel watched over like judged constantly for waking up having tea not making tea eating dinner cleaning plates or not. Almost every single chore is like written in daily diary and given ranking like a reality series. Some people are too nice to say but everyone is constantly doing it.

Third, don't wait up for lunch dinner breakfast snacks etc

You are not doing a favor by waiting for us to eat. Every  meal is not supposed to be taken together. I handle like a million things at home from buying groceries to paying bills. We will eat when it fits our schedule or just on the go. It just wastes more time and you feel guilty for making a hungry person wait which by the way is a sin. Is that what you are putting us for, sinning for carrying out our regular schedules. So please, eat up grownup children.

Next one is take me everywhere

This might not happen to everyone but every single time anyone visits, they want to accompany me like to gym, market, walks, apartments visits. The point of an outdoor activity is to get out of the routine , not to bring routine with you. I hate hate hate it when a slow walker wants to walk n talk. Its super frustrating and no that is not quality time. You kind of ruined my peace. There goes that hour of serenity. Don't you dare ask where I am going and why.

Give people space

Everyone needs space, its just natural to some of us for others its beyond comprehension. Super irritating when someone stands with shoulder rubbing against you or just talking in your ear and guess what most of the oldies relatives do it. Don't do it, its just like a throbbing pain in the brain. Damn annoying. Sense the space part. If you can't get in your own home, where will you get it. Also, ask people if they have room for you before arriving alone or with friends family. Tell them in advance how long you intend to stay. 

Never ever pick remote

You are in someone else's convenient comfortable adobe, like you they have favorite shows  to watch for. Be a good guest, do not touch the remote. I have seen crappy old movies or news or stupid soap operas, I have witnessed home invasion like anything. I just mumble to a corner, it is somewhat like a homeless feeling. Like aliens take over the whole space you ever knew. Yes, it is that traumatizing.

Clean up the mess

Well, everyone is messy for some clean freak. I might not be one of those proud sparkling kitchen owners, but yeah my home my way. Make some efforts. What I have seen is some people cook like they wasted half of the flour on kitchen platform, all the yellow spots veggie scraps are just not pretty to clean up. Ask and follow. Also, no one likes to clean your bathroom. Don't leave those filthy hair balls and toilets after you give us the pleasure of you gathering your belongings and leaving home. Clean up the bedsheets you used, scrub the toilet so we don't unfriend you from every possible social media.

Dress Up

Its not a beautiful sight to wake up to. Most of the older guys are used to like wandering around in their lungis and white vest. In your home, its pretty comfy but in my home, its just plain vulgar. Yeah I used the term. I am not a fan of dressing up too, hell I am dressing up for everyone when I could have just gone around in t shirt shorts. Just see it as like respecting someone's morning. Also women, don't want to see your jiggly bums out of that high school nightwear. Cover up while you are in my space or just leave.

Hotel Booking

If you call the person whose house you intend to stay , by any ounce of courage if they drop the word "hotel", Book it. I know the motto "atithi devo bhav" but that was when people couldn't afford staying in hotels. Now hotels are cheaper, houses are smaller, hearts are way too small and trust me those 10000 bucks you just saved will be like 100 bucks in future. 

Don't make people wait

Yeah If someone offers to drop you on their way to office or help with apartment hunt or even make you tea, never ever make them wait. Just hop in or tell them you will figure out something on your own. I am telling you, just like you have an office or college timing everyone else has too. If you mess with someone's morning office time, you fucked up the day for them. No one likes the family that thinks they are way too chilled to stick to timings.  Mornings are chaotic , its extremely rude to put your own comfort over others in their life space.

I am sure there is a thousand other ways these intruders can damage your peace and ruin your days. I am not angry, just wondering why always hosts are given the eye and guests just walk on rosy bed. So to be a gracious guest, call ahead make your hotel bookings meet for dinner or  just be as nice as possible if it comes to sharing space. People make conscious efforts like cleaning up house, cooking in advance , sending cab details, washing towels sheets as soon as you announce you are going. Be thankful and appreciative by acting in a civilized manner. Those old old times when 3 families could lay mattresses and sleep or just hang out peacefully are gone. Everyone loves their space life and routine, respect and be courteous. Its a favor, acknowledge it.

P.S. Don't buy gifts for people unless they are expensive dates or fragrances