There has been an ongoing conflict in me, who am I ? In this process to be kinder, in bowing to divine in everyone, divine in me lost sight of itself. I realized this while talking to my sister, at the end of conversation suddenly it occurred to me my voice was high confident free, it wasn't thinking high low or judging, we were just talking. It filled me with so much positive self reliance, yogi in me rocked class. Suddenly, there was this enthusiasm bubbling like I was coming out of some kind of dimming drug, as soon as it was out of system, I was me again.
So on my transformation journey, this was the biggest hurdle, still is. Trying to treat others nicely made me sink lower, instead of being an independent self reliant person, I began thinking whole of me needs renovation literally. I lowered my voice unconsciously, sheepish smile on lips. To be meditative or spiritual, yes you should not have wrong vices but at the same time don't push yourself so much you lose faith in yourself.
Whatever character traits you hold have been defining you all these years, not all of them are junk. It kind of hit my destination was right, path was wrong. I can be soft yet strong at same time. In trying to praise others I am not diminishing my worth. See, somehow some things are hardcore. Like this one, to compete or be better, someone has to do worse. In life, there is just one track that we run on. We can choose to run, stand, glide or merely rest. When you are running what others do on their tracks is not your business ,its when you do nothing comparisons build up. It shouldn't really bother me how anyone else does at yoga. Well it does. Its time to get out of comfort sinkhole of hiding back with the convenience of peace on face. Fake timid happiness will keep me glued to starting line of track.
In my yoga class, in that moment where I reached and pushed myself to reach deeper, I took a vow to not lose sight of this strength and determination, to be fierce in everything. Fierceness is a necessary trait to be successful on this journey or in fact any journey. Its like a tempering to boring dal. Peace, happiness are side kicks. Without wisdom of fierce mind, a single person decides to fuck up my day, they might. When you are fierce, focus lies in your path, when you are not you are merely hanging out at mercy of others' mood.
How it came to brim was all my insecurities started popping up. For god sakes, if you are doing everything right and your mind won't shut up pulling you down, you have lost control of it. Its delusional to hope meditation is going to help. See things as they are, yes no more buttering up people unconsciously, some times being a little mean, thinking a little higher of yourself helps too especially if being nice is over powering mind.
When you are over nice, you start thinking about other's comfort more, you kind of go into a state where you would rather suffer than say because that would not be abiding by geeta, well even if you feel it you don't say it, its disturbing.Yes, its possible to be with everyone but not for everyone, it might take a few rebirths to achieve that, if avoiding helps do it. Avoiding is not a long term solution, as soon as you are strong deal with everything consciously. Yes,there are a lot of right perfect behaviors but only when you are in right state of mind. By curbing personality you are just putting on a mask or a cloak, it hinders development. Mask might not be available when you really need it. In that moment, you will find people unbearable to look at, simple situations will look like unconquerable mountains, pathetic people will be like villains in life.
Honestly somehow the wanna be good me convinced me to do a lot of things but nah as soon as reality would be on face, it scared me. Constantly thinking I need to be better just means more toil on brain. Do things consciously without having the persistent rule following notion. What would a logical strong person do? Reptilian brain has to be put aside, this is no more survival, this is the time to test limits.
Also, when you relinquish control, people feed on you like zombies. That is the harsh reality. 'You can not survive in this age with a peaceful smile and heart full of happiness. Someone someday will shake it, to protect it to make it stronger you need to be in control of yourself, situation, people. Drive them according to your likes without even making much of the effort.
What should be my goals now? Hmm I have to be blunt, I have to be the person I was in college with new learnt codes, that was the time no wonder what people thought, in my mind I was ruling. My favorite song was alan parsons I wouldn't want to be like you, its so motivating if you listen in a non judgmental way. It is. Scrolling through some old pics, that spark in my eyes, that arrogance of beauty, the feeling of being on top unfazed by others' life reeled me back. Current pictures are more like of a simple easy going funny person. But that girl knew she wasn't just any people defined identity.
I wouldn't want to be like you. A lot of changes are needed in my body and mind but this will give me a strong foundation. Just because I need change doesn't mean I am not perfect, its just a phase to improve perfection.I have to stop hanging out with people who add nothing to my life.
If this thing is not nailed right now in my life, my structure will crumble under pressure of trying to be something my mind won't let me comprehend. Stay true to yourself, then move on.
Out of delusion, into reality.
Be strong. Be powerful. Power is a skill.
Take control. Be in driver's seat. Rule rule rule.
Whatever I do say feel is all for me, its got nothing to do with anyone anymore.
Time to get me back.
So on my transformation journey, this was the biggest hurdle, still is. Trying to treat others nicely made me sink lower, instead of being an independent self reliant person, I began thinking whole of me needs renovation literally. I lowered my voice unconsciously, sheepish smile on lips. To be meditative or spiritual, yes you should not have wrong vices but at the same time don't push yourself so much you lose faith in yourself.
Whatever character traits you hold have been defining you all these years, not all of them are junk. It kind of hit my destination was right, path was wrong. I can be soft yet strong at same time. In trying to praise others I am not diminishing my worth. See, somehow some things are hardcore. Like this one, to compete or be better, someone has to do worse. In life, there is just one track that we run on. We can choose to run, stand, glide or merely rest. When you are running what others do on their tracks is not your business ,its when you do nothing comparisons build up. It shouldn't really bother me how anyone else does at yoga. Well it does. Its time to get out of comfort sinkhole of hiding back with the convenience of peace on face. Fake timid happiness will keep me glued to starting line of track.
In my yoga class, in that moment where I reached and pushed myself to reach deeper, I took a vow to not lose sight of this strength and determination, to be fierce in everything. Fierceness is a necessary trait to be successful on this journey or in fact any journey. Its like a tempering to boring dal. Peace, happiness are side kicks. Without wisdom of fierce mind, a single person decides to fuck up my day, they might. When you are fierce, focus lies in your path, when you are not you are merely hanging out at mercy of others' mood.
How it came to brim was all my insecurities started popping up. For god sakes, if you are doing everything right and your mind won't shut up pulling you down, you have lost control of it. Its delusional to hope meditation is going to help. See things as they are, yes no more buttering up people unconsciously, some times being a little mean, thinking a little higher of yourself helps too especially if being nice is over powering mind.
When you are over nice, you start thinking about other's comfort more, you kind of go into a state where you would rather suffer than say because that would not be abiding by geeta, well even if you feel it you don't say it, its disturbing.Yes, its possible to be with everyone but not for everyone, it might take a few rebirths to achieve that, if avoiding helps do it. Avoiding is not a long term solution, as soon as you are strong deal with everything consciously. Yes,there are a lot of right perfect behaviors but only when you are in right state of mind. By curbing personality you are just putting on a mask or a cloak, it hinders development. Mask might not be available when you really need it. In that moment, you will find people unbearable to look at, simple situations will look like unconquerable mountains, pathetic people will be like villains in life.
Honestly somehow the wanna be good me convinced me to do a lot of things but nah as soon as reality would be on face, it scared me. Constantly thinking I need to be better just means more toil on brain. Do things consciously without having the persistent rule following notion. What would a logical strong person do? Reptilian brain has to be put aside, this is no more survival, this is the time to test limits.
Also, when you relinquish control, people feed on you like zombies. That is the harsh reality. 'You can not survive in this age with a peaceful smile and heart full of happiness. Someone someday will shake it, to protect it to make it stronger you need to be in control of yourself, situation, people. Drive them according to your likes without even making much of the effort.
What should be my goals now? Hmm I have to be blunt, I have to be the person I was in college with new learnt codes, that was the time no wonder what people thought, in my mind I was ruling. My favorite song was alan parsons I wouldn't want to be like you, its so motivating if you listen in a non judgmental way. It is. Scrolling through some old pics, that spark in my eyes, that arrogance of beauty, the feeling of being on top unfazed by others' life reeled me back. Current pictures are more like of a simple easy going funny person. But that girl knew she wasn't just any people defined identity.
I wouldn't want to be like you. A lot of changes are needed in my body and mind but this will give me a strong foundation. Just because I need change doesn't mean I am not perfect, its just a phase to improve perfection.I have to stop hanging out with people who add nothing to my life.
If this thing is not nailed right now in my life, my structure will crumble under pressure of trying to be something my mind won't let me comprehend. Stay true to yourself, then move on.
Out of delusion, into reality.
Be strong. Be powerful. Power is a skill.
Take control. Be in driver's seat. Rule rule rule.
Whatever I do say feel is all for me, its got nothing to do with anyone anymore.
Time to get me back.
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