Donts for Guests

Its such an obvious post to start with and pretty much every married woman has zillion inputs to give. But here's my version of what counts as a boundary cross. As an indian, we are expected to entertain guests no matter how distant how uncomfortable it makes you. So lets start with our list:

First of all, my kitchen is not yours

Until you really ask me what I would want to eat cook or even order, you really have no mom card here. I hate it when people come and they own the kitchen, cook potatoes which i hate, veggies i never eat, oil i couldn't have finished in an year gets finished in a week. Its not about the money, its just you feel no power in your own customized kitchen. I mean everyone has a diet regime they are used to. Frankly its rude just plain rude.

Second, no judging.

Ohh judging part is the worst. Do you even cook, why dress like this, how much did you buy it for, comb your hair seriously i mean how about mind your f***ing business.  I forgot the most used one, she's still sleeping. So if you sleep till 7 you are sleeping till 9, never understood that math. In your own comfort zone, you feel watched over like judged constantly for waking up having tea not making tea eating dinner cleaning plates or not. Almost every single chore is like written in daily diary and given ranking like a reality series. Some people are too nice to say but everyone is constantly doing it.

Third, don't wait up for lunch dinner breakfast snacks etc

You are not doing a favor by waiting for us to eat. Every  meal is not supposed to be taken together. I handle like a million things at home from buying groceries to paying bills. We will eat when it fits our schedule or just on the go. It just wastes more time and you feel guilty for making a hungry person wait which by the way is a sin. Is that what you are putting us for, sinning for carrying out our regular schedules. So please, eat up grownup children.

Next one is take me everywhere

This might not happen to everyone but every single time anyone visits, they want to accompany me like to gym, market, walks, apartments visits. The point of an outdoor activity is to get out of the routine , not to bring routine with you. I hate hate hate it when a slow walker wants to walk n talk. Its super frustrating and no that is not quality time. You kind of ruined my peace. There goes that hour of serenity. Don't you dare ask where I am going and why.

Give people space

Everyone needs space, its just natural to some of us for others its beyond comprehension. Super irritating when someone stands with shoulder rubbing against you or just talking in your ear and guess what most of the oldies relatives do it. Don't do it, its just like a throbbing pain in the brain. Damn annoying. Sense the space part. If you can't get in your own home, where will you get it. Also, ask people if they have room for you before arriving alone or with friends family. Tell them in advance how long you intend to stay. 

Never ever pick remote

You are in someone else's convenient comfortable adobe, like you they have favorite shows  to watch for. Be a good guest, do not touch the remote. I have seen crappy old movies or news or stupid soap operas, I have witnessed home invasion like anything. I just mumble to a corner, it is somewhat like a homeless feeling. Like aliens take over the whole space you ever knew. Yes, it is that traumatizing.

Clean up the mess

Well, everyone is messy for some clean freak. I might not be one of those proud sparkling kitchen owners, but yeah my home my way. Make some efforts. What I have seen is some people cook like they wasted half of the flour on kitchen platform, all the yellow spots veggie scraps are just not pretty to clean up. Ask and follow. Also, no one likes to clean your bathroom. Don't leave those filthy hair balls and toilets after you give us the pleasure of you gathering your belongings and leaving home. Clean up the bedsheets you used, scrub the toilet so we don't unfriend you from every possible social media.

Dress Up

Its not a beautiful sight to wake up to. Most of the older guys are used to like wandering around in their lungis and white vest. In your home, its pretty comfy but in my home, its just plain vulgar. Yeah I used the term. I am not a fan of dressing up too, hell I am dressing up for everyone when I could have just gone around in t shirt shorts. Just see it as like respecting someone's morning. Also women, don't want to see your jiggly bums out of that high school nightwear. Cover up while you are in my space or just leave.

Hotel Booking

If you call the person whose house you intend to stay , by any ounce of courage if they drop the word "hotel", Book it. I know the motto "atithi devo bhav" but that was when people couldn't afford staying in hotels. Now hotels are cheaper, houses are smaller, hearts are way too small and trust me those 10000 bucks you just saved will be like 100 bucks in future. 

Don't make people wait

Yeah If someone offers to drop you on their way to office or help with apartment hunt or even make you tea, never ever make them wait. Just hop in or tell them you will figure out something on your own. I am telling you, just like you have an office or college timing everyone else has too. If you mess with someone's morning office time, you fucked up the day for them. No one likes the family that thinks they are way too chilled to stick to timings.  Mornings are chaotic , its extremely rude to put your own comfort over others in their life space.

I am sure there is a thousand other ways these intruders can damage your peace and ruin your days. I am not angry, just wondering why always hosts are given the eye and guests just walk on rosy bed. So to be a gracious guest, call ahead make your hotel bookings meet for dinner or  just be as nice as possible if it comes to sharing space. People make conscious efforts like cleaning up house, cooking in advance , sending cab details, washing towels sheets as soon as you announce you are going. Be thankful and appreciative by acting in a civilized manner. Those old old times when 3 families could lay mattresses and sleep or just hang out peacefully are gone. Everyone loves their space life and routine, respect and be courteous. Its a favor, acknowledge it.

P.S. Don't buy gifts for people unless they are expensive dates or fragrances

TIps to make your in-laws happy

How to make your in laws happy? That depends on the type of in-laws you have. I have the understanding modern yet tied to roots type. They value traditions but have a different perspective at the whole daughter-in-law situation. They keep me like the daughter they never had. But still I know a few things that make in-laws in general happy. Here are some of them :

1) Touching feet and seeking blessings : Well its not like its gonna take a thousand bucks off your account. At first i thought why do we have to touch feet of every other person who enters the house but then i realized its a simple easy gesture that makes everyone happy. You don't ask why just think of it as an easy way to get to people's good list. I am not advocating that long feet touching where you have to massage and press at five  points thoroughly. If you have sweet people as relatives, a simple charan sparsh works.


2) Applying a thin line of sindoor : Aah its something sentimental to parents, it symbolizes your union to their child. Besides, a thin line when you are among relatives shows your respect for  his parents and your husband. You don't have to fill it like they do it in villages. Just a single line and everyone is happy. Besides you are not doing it everyday when you are at your own terms in your house far away from hometown. 

3) Wearing a few ornaments : I hated this part the most, wearing 6 toe rings , anklets, bangles, mangalsutra, rings etc etc. But there are always ways to handle them and still look elegant. My mum-in-law got me extremely thin toe rings, anklets. She got me a mangalsutra which looks way more pretty than any necklace. And told me she doesn't care so i don't wear them at home but if relatives come,i just wear them or else they will say stupid things. So I carry them, it hardly matters now. Also she got me a pretty bracelet which looks like a bangle. She also got me small bindis to put on forehead. 

4) Traditional wear :  The only idea of wearing saree made me angry to core. I don't know how to drape it, even youtube videos didn't help much. But this time when we went, as soon as we got out of train, we had to go to a party, i decided to wear saree and my mum-in-law helped me. It made them so happy, they like me in saree. Its like something people would expect you to frown at, make faces and when you love it, my mum-in-law is like a proud mommy. So just wear it on occasions like diwali or get together. If you have to wear it everyday, i guess thats a problem. Saree can be the most elegant dress and most vulgar wear at the same time. Drape it properly and get adored. Its not that uncomfortable as that stupid wicked mind says. Take kurtas with you and some pyjamas  and one dupatta when you visit in-laws. I know you work out but its not the place to show off your ass. Get some nice salwar suits, believe me you don't have to be gaudy to go traditional. Its all in attitude. 

5) Serve with smile : Most of the good families have maids for cooking, cleaning etc. So don't panic if you have to serve tea or snacks. Serve with a smile, make small talk and you can go back to your room. All you have to do it talk about regular things like job, work etc. People who make a fuss over minimal issues end up getting frustrated. 

6) Gifts are important : I considered this part the worst. I grew up seeing my mother getting all cranky over gifts, people staying eating for array of days, rakhi money, people getting their cabs paid for , taking relatives to nearby cities. But those times were different, we were all poor, we all had limited income. But now when most of us are financially secure, gifts are easy ways to someone's heart. If you are going on diwali, get cash ready for bhai duj or you may get some clothes for sisters. Buying gifts is a long procedure so whenever you go to mall and see a nice saree on sale, just buy it. It might come handy at times. Once in an year, get your mom-in-law a saree, your dad by law a kurta, your mil's mom a saree. The money is actually being invested here in happy relationships. Besides they gave you a lot when you entered house. Its just a small token of love. Enjoy it. Don't nag your husband. Get your parents gifts too. You will get it all back in some other form.

7) Treat them like your own : I have always called my in-laws mamma papa as i would call my parents. It came naturally and the very next day my mamma2 called my old mom how adorable i am. How much they miss me when i am gone? Its all in accepting and considering them and their feelings. Every mature content family wants a loving person to be a part of their family, not some super responsible freak. Be happy you got two sets of parents. Its called being lucky.

8) Small things matter : There are a few things that make me special for them. My mil loves songs and i keep switching channels to make sure she gets to listen them all day, we play radio and listen to songs all day. We see photo albums together and share stories of my husband's childhood. I talk to her about her struggle days when she was first married in the house. Also we share similarities of our husband's nature traits, their anger our mistakes etc. Its all same. When  i am sick, they take me to doctor and when we leave for our city, they cry. I made rangoli for diwali, it was not good but the thought that i had to make it made them happy. You just have to be good hearted. If you think stupid negative things, it just ruins the festival. 

9) Always keep the tone down : No matter what happens, never ever yell at anyone. Its insulting and sweeps out all the good things you did in past. Talk out everything, if it can't be solved, don't live with in laws. Do not create unhappy stressful situations. If you know your mil likes to fight, maintain distance and keep conversations limited to food, children. Your husband is the medium to complain or nag but don't overdo it to the extent where even he feels trapped. If its too bad and there is no way to resolve matters, just leave. Never ever be unhappy because some other person gets pleasure  from others  sadness. Don't fight over stupid things. Don't let anyone mistreat you. Don't over react to normal routine expectations. Its for a short span, enjoy it. Being polite takes you pretty far and above from mundane angry creatures. It makes you proud and happy.

10) Follow normal routine customs : Some of us could argue, why should i go to some temple, why should i keep saree pallu on head, why do i have to keep this fast? Well for a simple rule everyone does and other fact is its not that difficult. They are not expecting much if its for 5 minutes in temple. I know you could wear jeans like others do but a salwar suit won't make you look older if you are wearing the right one. Come on, with right fashion sense, anyone could look fabulous even in a simple kurta legging. I hated karvachauth, merely because it was so common, but i knew if i kept it, it will make them happy and kind of boosts your confidence, i did it and believe me it was not difficult. Its just over rated. Do it and get it over with rather than making excuses to every other married relative. But if you have to wear saree all time with in laws and heavy sarees in temples, its a bit over the top. I guess I got lucky.  Still, my friends seem to manage saree problem well as their in laws are pretty good natured. 

If they value you, love you and all they want from you is respect love and time, its the least they are expecting. Love them back, your husband will love you even more. I know mine does.