There are so many times I wanted to write this. I just had no courage to pen it. Its a controversial one and it might even portray me as a hater. If you are a practical parent, please read it for yourself and your grownup kids. Life's too short to be wasted on puny house quarrels or pity love. Find your own direction of solace. This goes to all parents and married kids.
1) Please take care of your health : Please take care of yourself for our relation to thrive. Yeah I know I might sound selfish if I say this out loud, but we do want them to take care of themselves. Take medicines yoga walks and regular visits to doctors dentists. Be in the healthiest state you can. If we know you are healthy, we have one less thing to think about. Trust me, that day we will brag how much our parents truly love us. No love is more important than self love. The more independent you are, more we will be motivated to see you.
2) Spend your money : There were times when family money was really looked for. Time has changed, everyone can save up enough with decent jobs to earn a living buy a home go on vacations. So spend your money the way you want. What are we going to do with your money? So just travel the world hire personal trainers or do whatever you always wished and just didn't have the money for. Life's so much more beyond relatives and stupid grownup kids.
3) Make friends around : Find your friends, I am not talking about the work ones or the ones that only discuss kids visits or parent abandonment groups. Hehe make some real friends you want to spend time with. Those besties you could just sit on a lawn with play poker have tea. Who are not trying to show off. Just normal bunch like you would make in college. Cultivate in friendships. These people will understand you way better than we young kids ever can.
4) Keep a dog or a cat : If you are a pets person, keep a dog or a cat or any pet you want. Pets are best companions and give you unconditional love. At the age when you might not move around a lot, why not get this awesome creature who will follow you anywhere. Kids can never reciprocate your love. They have their own families , don't families make us selfish? Remember your times, don't you wish your parents had something better and more engaging to do other than running after your affection.
5) Rekindle your love : Most of the 80s 90s parents were lost in kids. They had us within an year of marriage which makes me wonder how much they ever knew that fun cool side of their partner. If someone gave me a kid, I would only see the caring and loving part of partner and those fierce fights. Of course you see a more divine form with kids but don't you wish you knew them before that. Like how they would react to certain situations or people or hobbies if kids came after some years. Rekindle that love from your angle with no kids in sight. Start dating again. Lavish dates on cruise are possible now huh. Woe them again. Bury those arguments fights that you have kept alive for decades. Just go with it.
6) Don't me so sentimental : After we moved U.S. we realized our parents became way more sentimental. They want more pics, more facetime more whatsapp updates, more visits and super long conversations on phone. We tried doing everything to satisfy their parental urges haha but the more we did more was expected. Well, stop being so emotional and I totally get it, its super hard to just let go of your children. Even birds leave kids when they can fly, they also spend significant time of their short lives raising kids. We are humans born with a much complicated higher purpose of finding tranquility. Find yours. Let kids be in their experience zone unless they really need help. Make your help a privilege not a burden for them.
7) Don't judge them : As our parents age, they see the world with their retro glasses. I mean we all do it, its just that we have less to object to since this is our generation. Try talking to a teenager when you are almost 29, you will know what generation gap is. We are already cutting slack for parents but seeing we accepted your old generation rules, you should also try to accept our not so appealing requests. This present grownup hoard doesn't like to be kept track of or called for. Their space is so sacred there has to be a planned intrusion when you do it. Respect their rules too, if they are acting certain way without being rude to you, they are ticked off by something you did but they want to be respectful and act out differently like shutting off or having less conversations to maintain peace and love. So don't judge them, they are making the best of it striving for happiness everyday.This is not a conspiracy by your daughter in law or son in law. Its their life, it would take a fool or a sindhi to mix n match serials with life. They are just more comfortable when its just two of them. Accept it.
8) Be politely indifferent : Ellen said in her speech we should all be nice and kind to other humans. Trust me indians are really good at it, just that humans are relatives. We create our shells, protect it so we don't waste smiles on random strangers. Your kids are those strangers now. What do you do? Be polite to them at the same time be indifferent to their whiny needs and problems. Don't over indulge. When they call, talk nicely but don't hold those conversations to heart. If every time they call, you are just a nice funny entertaining person busy in their own life not some boring parent, trust me they will call you more. You ask less, they will tell you more. You probe too much, they won't call for months. Have a joyful conversation not a parenthood know it all seminar.
9) Respect our time : I have seen all parents just ask one question "When are you coming home " If you are not coming, we will come. Its like a reprimand or search warrant issued . You value your house, your car, your spouse hopefully, your daily routine, your friends, your job, your neighbors, your dinner parties, your relatives. Want to know what we value, almost same things. Sadly there is nothing in common. Our friends are too young for you. Our house has different rules. We are not trying to change you. Don't change us. We are evolving into something we aspire to be. When we come and see you, after 3 days we are missing our bed our friends our booze seriously. Don't take us for granted by home cooked meals with relatives. Make plans, lets go on some vacation where we can relax and have peaceful quiet time and occasional heart to heart talks. Ask us to make plans. Fix time date place. We hate when you drag us to friends or relatives of yours in name of quality family time. Its plain rude. Lets go where both of us can enjoy. At the best, just confirm with us. Who knows we might be interested in meeting people too. The point is we are not 8 year olds you can take wherever you wish to.
10) No questioning choices : Parents do this a lot. If I decide to quit job, they question. If I decide not to have a kid, they become demanding. If I just say no, they call me ill mannered. The official age for someone to grow up and make their own well informed decisions is 21. Okk you are indian you got the privilege till they were 26,stop already. Do not question our choices. We are all grownups making our life's path. We can chalk it the way we want. If you interfere too much, we will throw you out of the mix. Be the audience, don't try to be a character in the show. I know it hurts to see someone you love making a bad choice. Just live with it. Either they will come to terms bounce back or make the most of happiness in it. You don't want to be responsible for some other person's life, do you?
11) No money discussions : I just hate it when people ask us how much we are making how much we are saving. First of all, its sooooo rude then its kind of private. There is no need to ask us about our salary increments unless we tell you. Our money is ours to deal with. If we ask for suggestions, advise like you will do for any other person. Stay away from financial matters. We loath the fact that you choose to discuss it so freely without our permission. Stop telling your friends. Don't use us to show off or as status quo.
12) Space constraints : Remember those times when 10 people could sleep in same room. Back then, everyone earned less so hotel was out of question. Now that the houses have squeezed in size and money flow has increased, people value their space time so much. Would you like it if someone slept in your bedroom or your newspaper reading place was hacked for days? Would you like if someone fucked up your routine cooking with their version of food? Would you like it if someone stayed more than a week in your house? If you won't then you do get what we go through. We were raised by you, but this other person I co-exist with is not used to our ways. Even I am not used to our ways our food anymore. Its stressful if you want to stay with us for months or even more than a week. We got to clean cook be on toes. Its out of life we live. Its like we are wasting few days. So again, less home time more vacation time. If we have the money, why not use it to be comfortable. Book a guest suite if possible so at least we can start off morning in no chaos.
13) Understand her/him : Try to understand your kid's partners. If they have the option, they want to be with their family too. They might call you mom dad but acceptance is a long process. Its non existent to be frank. I can tell my mother anything shout at her or tell her when she is wrong about blah blah trillion things. I can't do the same thing for partner's parents. It might offend them or push them off. She/He doesn't hate you. They just can't stand you after a few hours. You love your kid which gives you the motivation to live in this awkward environment of formalities. If someone has the option of being more themselves why won't they take it. Its got nothing to do with you. Your daughter in law might love you but she will always choose her family over you. She has an open comfort zone there. She puts up with you for her partner's sake. They are a family of two too, you are the extended family please accept. Don't blame spouses for not having you. Its a joint decision. I am friends with people from all walks of life, having kids no kids having jobs working as chefs etc etc. Everyone resonates the same fact, we do it for spouse. It does bother us a lot and 70 percent of them hate these awkward tiring stays. It bothers guys too, its just that they are somehow more comfortable than the respective spouse. You are basically playing with their life's balance.
14) No expectations : This one is for your own good. Don't expect anything. If you expect nothing and get something, it makes you happy. If you expect too much and get less, you whine n curse people involved. Don't bind your kids. Let them act on their own. Let them call when they want to. Let them decide when they want to have you. Don't guilt trip them, Don't force love on them. If they love you they will call back when they want to talk not when you want them to talk. Its difficult to control those urges of affection but with time it will pay off. Don't expect them to even take guests in just because you promised. People care about their life, ur kids are people too. Respect their house their relationship their time. Don't force them for anything.
15) We love you hmm We can't live with you : Come on, you hate our guts our cooking our version of cleanliness too. You don't like our do nothing attitude on a sunday or meet no one saturday. Clearly, its evident. We see it we feel it, why don't you accept it too? We love you but we know the day we start living with you, we will hate you more we will fight more we will hate each other. I read an article that said we all need elderly advice so we should live with parents. Haha like anyone listens or acts on these elderly sayings. Lets not even think of living together. Whenever we meet, why not make those times happy n fun. Why try to break a cool fun relation with expectations and space invasion?
17) Make arrangements : This one makes me feel bad too. I have looked into practical implications of everything and this is the solution. When our parents get old and sick we feel bad. Losing a parent has to be the biggest loss in life. Whats worse is someone wishing for them to be dead. This might happen if a parent is bed ridden for years. Human beings are selfish race who fall for frustration and chaos quickly. Do you really want us to be so devoted? I have heard stories where people cleaned up their parents shit because they couldn't leave bed. Its humiliating for you too. Find a nursing home or a retired people's society who will take care of you where you can live among friends and well wishers. Don't make us desperate. What will give us contentment is you were looked after properly by someone who did their job well not someone who resented it almost once in a day. Last years of life should be full of life and happiness not depending on busy jerks. If possible, write will donate it all to charity , just write it so none fights over it. Make funeral arrangements so we don't fuck up your last rites. In short, even end of life should be on your terms. We don't care for money, just live it up.
18) Enjoy life to fullest : Enjoy life as we enjoy ours. Be happy Be peaceful Be you. Don't compromise . Live life you always intended to. Live it to fullest. Don't let your happiness be in other person's control. Travel places enjoy weddings pursue hobbies. Be on your own. Trust me thats the way god intended us to be. If we keep meddling in others' lives, our life suffers too. Yes kids are others too :)
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