To sulking wives and angry husbands, try more

This is a classic couple tale. We love each other but some days I sulk, he gets angry, none of us seem to know how to break out of this loop. Mind goes in overdrive suggesting every single wrong path. Its not mind's fault, we programmed it that way, its years of coding.

To sulking wives,

Do you feel like his anger is unjustified? Is it like if he just comes and talks, it will be all over. But if you go , he might snap again and push you off.  Its like a prisoner situation where you yourself are the jailor, no one else has created the walls, its our mind that makes us think all of it. No matter how hard we try to break out, it makes us sink deeper. Every time this happens, sinking well grows deeper, it becomes more difficult to get out this self created pathetic situation. Even if it goes on for 15 minutes, the kind of poison that is generated per second is causing way more damage than anyone else can. These self pity, self esteem killing moments occur again and again.

What to do : Well, first of all shake yourself, shut up your mind, gather all the courage and with all the courage confidence you can muster, just say I understand I will try again but lets not talk in this tone again. If I am not getting it, please help me out. If you think this is the way you can push me, its really not. You are just pushing me away in a negative direction. It will make matters worse. So calm down, you are hurting yourself too. Just take a breather here, time relation is more important than this. Whatever will not matter in a day or year is not worth pining on. Don't raise your tone, don't shout. Be mature.


To angry husbands

Do you feel like she is  a fool for not getting simple things? Do you feel like she purposely does all this to annoy you? If she could just apologise properly and not repeat mistake, it will be good. Well, in some way we are all trying to manipulate people and situations to suit our mood requirements. So you are expecting someone to show a nature trait that is not theirs. Do you think you can train her or push her by not talking to her for some time? Do you think you are helping yourself by elongating anger clockout time? More angrier, more she is getting the point right.


Nah, its not actually happening at all. She is just waiting for this to be over and avoid this situation altogether. Next time she will not be around. She will avoid this at all costs. She might not raise her voice but inside all the negative vibes are coming to you as angry vibes are going to her. Its a victim role people get into when they are threatened. Again, some part of brain goes in survival mode, gives up, retreats, shuts off, gets nervous with every passing moment. So yeah, instead just be calm, breathe think over , did she do it knowingly? Did she do it on purpose? Even if she has repeated, is it worth creating turmoil in your body, mind? Its not right, anger changes us, every time we cross a limit threshold, we go further next time, more brutal next time. So actually, you just became insensitive to the person you love most, you harmed your body and relationship, most of all you trained your mind in the worst way. Resistance increases from both sides of hurting and getting hurt. Hours to days to months people don't talk to each other for silly egos.  Just talk to her, ask her to try with love.

Sanity insanity is not what we think of it. Insanity is not extreme behavior, these little moments of  losing control also make us insane. Let us program ourselves the right way. Change is hard but its necessary for life and happiness.

Take responsibility. Blame no one. Stop justifications. The statement " I am right, they are wrong " will never allow you to change for better. Don't endorse wrong behavior," I am right"  forces our wrong habits, makes them stronger.  Its impedes your psychological development. Justifying is our biggest enemy. Even 5 minutes of toxic thought is not right.

Don't lose yourself in spirituality

There has been an ongoing conflict in me, who am I ? In this process to be kinder, in bowing to divine in everyone, divine in me lost sight of itself. I realized this while talking to my sister, at the end of conversation suddenly it occurred to me my voice was high confident free, it wasn't thinking high low or judging, we were just talking. It filled me with so much positive self reliance, yogi in me rocked class. Suddenly, there was this enthusiasm bubbling like I was coming out of some kind of dimming drug, as soon as it was out of system, I was me again.

So on my transformation journey, this was the biggest hurdle, still is. Trying to treat others nicely made me sink lower, instead of being an independent self reliant person, I began thinking whole of me needs renovation literally. I lowered my voice unconsciously, sheepish smile on lips. To be meditative or spiritual, yes you should not have wrong vices but at the same time don't push yourself so much you lose faith in yourself.

Whatever character traits you hold have been defining you all these years, not all of them are junk. It kind of hit my destination was right, path was wrong. I can be soft yet strong at same time. In trying to praise others I am not diminishing my worth. See, somehow some things are hardcore. Like this one, to compete or be better, someone has to do worse. In life, there is just one track that we run on. We can choose to run, stand, glide or merely rest. When you are running what others do on their tracks is not your business ,its when you do nothing comparisons build up. It shouldn't really bother me how anyone else does at yoga. Well it does. Its time to get out of comfort sinkhole of hiding back with the convenience of peace on face. Fake timid happiness will keep me glued to starting line of track.

In my yoga class, in that moment where I reached and pushed myself to reach deeper, I took a vow to not lose sight of this strength and determination, to be fierce in everything. Fierceness is a necessary trait to be successful on this journey or in fact any journey. Its like a tempering to boring dal. Peace, happiness are side kicks. Without wisdom of fierce mind, a single person decides to fuck up my day, they might. When you are fierce, focus lies in your path, when you are not you are merely hanging out at mercy of others' mood.

How it came to brim was all my insecurities started popping up. For god sakes, if you are doing everything right and your mind won't shut up pulling you down, you have lost control of it. Its delusional to hope meditation is going to help. See things as they are, yes no more buttering up people unconsciously, some times being a little mean, thinking a little higher of yourself helps too especially if being nice is over powering mind.

When you are over nice, you start thinking about other's comfort more, you kind of go into a state where you would rather suffer than say because that would not be abiding by geeta, well even if you feel it you  don't say it, its disturbing.Yes, its possible to be with everyone but not for everyone, it might take a few rebirths to achieve that, if avoiding helps do it. Avoiding is not a long term solution, as soon as you are strong deal with everything consciously.  Yes,there are a lot of right perfect behaviors but only when you are in right state of mind.  By curbing personality you are just putting on a mask or a cloak, it hinders development. Mask might not be available when you really need it. In that moment, you will find people unbearable to look at, simple situations will look like unconquerable mountains, pathetic people will be like villains in life.

Honestly somehow the wanna be good me convinced me to do a lot of things but nah as soon as reality would be on face, it scared me. Constantly thinking I need to be better just means more toil on brain. Do things consciously without having the persistent rule following notion. What would a logical strong person do? Reptilian brain has to be put aside, this is no more survival, this is the time to test limits.

Also, when you relinquish control, people feed on you like zombies. That is the harsh reality. 'You can not survive in this age with a peaceful smile and heart full of happiness. Someone someday will shake it, to protect it to make it stronger you need to be in control of yourself, situation, people. Drive them according to your likes without even making much of the effort.

What should be my goals now? Hmm I have to be blunt, I have to be the person I was in college with new learnt codes, that was the time no wonder what people thought, in my mind I was ruling. My favorite song was alan parsons I wouldn't want to be like you, its so motivating if you listen in a non judgmental way. It is. Scrolling through some old pics, that spark in my eyes, that arrogance of beauty, the feeling of being on top unfazed by others' life reeled me back. Current pictures are more like of a simple easy going funny person. But that girl knew she wasn't just any people defined identity.

I wouldn't want to be like you. A lot of changes are needed in my body and mind but this will give me a strong foundation. Just because I need change doesn't mean I am not perfect, its just a phase to improve perfection.I have to stop hanging out with people who add nothing to my life.

 If this thing is not nailed right now in my life, my structure will crumble under pressure of trying to be something my mind won't let me comprehend. Stay true to yourself, then move on.

Out of delusion, into reality.

Be strong. Be powerful. Power is a skill.

Take control. Be in driver's seat. Rule rule rule.

Whatever I do say feel is all for me, its got nothing to do with anyone anymore.

Time to get me back.

Raise joyful kids : That's it

I should be the last person writing this. I don't have kids but then it takes a third party to know what someone could be missing. Its just a minute thing and parents want it the most.

If you have a kid or kids, they are truly miracles not because you gave birth to them or because you went through a nine month pregnancy or a 24 hour labor, its because this new soul chose to be there with you so they could evolve better.

Honestly people start with the best of intentions but somehow between losing sleep, fattening body, preparing meals, it becomes a chore like others. Getting through day is a hassle for moms, let alone thinking about kids' happiness. To them, kids are always happily demanding. Its moms who need therapy and time to wash hair, do yoga. Its not wrong to complain, they occupy a whole new zone of life you never knew you could just give away for a total stranger.

Lets look at this from a child's perspective. This soul could have been a 80 year old, that soul is now a part of your life. Would you like it if someone bossed you around whole day or talked to you loudly in front of their friends? Yes, they are in this body that needs constant nourishment and help from others. Have you noticed as soon as kids can eat, they want to eat themselves, walk themselves, run around freely, play, explore, basically do everything that scares you? Imagine someone cribbing all day about handling you. How frustrated would that make you? That is the emotional state of a child.

What is the solution? Yes you are tired, so rest take break hire a babysitter, rejuvenate yourself. Ask friend for help.  Its more helpful for kid. You will get your life back after a few years, they will start going school but your anger complaint and frustration will mold them into something that they will change again as a 30 year old. That is a painful process, some of the adults will never even realize what went wrong. Why go through unlearning stuff if you never learn anything?


When we garden, we sow seed, wait for it to rise, there is no twisting or turning stems. All we have to do is nourish it, give water sun, give it a strong root fertile soil. Flowers come naturally.

As a parent, be happy be joyful enjoy this process every moment. Don't teach them anything, they will pick up skills on their own. This is the time to witness how a life grows. Kids are the greatest teachers, they don't hold grudges, they don't know any emotion but love or anger. Take them towards love. If possible, add spirituality. Be an example but don't force them to be like you. We are not from their generation, there is not much you can add to their life, your contribution is till 5 years. Give them a blissful childhood of freedom with fond memories that shape their life. When you are at ease, it will be a group of people co-living.  When you are not, it will be a forced prison.

Accept you just gave them a body. Rest all belongs to them. Don't meddle with that structure. Simply respect them as a human life.

There are so many sadhguru videos on parenting. Watch them. Immense responsibility lies with you. It would be a utter wastage if they turn out just like you.

You have a new thriving life. Live upto it.

Thanks,
NAMASTE

Yoga and life: More yoga tips

Its been almost an year of yoga. The charm of yoga still gets me some days. So many poses to practice, so many dimensions to grow in, strength, flexibility all that yoga is about is just too much to take in. Yoga room gives me new goals in every class. Every pose every class is a new discovery. As experience deepens, more body awakening happens.

There are few more pointers I picked up in my practice.



Twist : Who likes twists? Most of the beginners like me have no idea what they mean by twist. Its only when you experience it after a few months, you gauge the range in which your body can move. The basis of a twist is centered body. When you twist in triangle pose, look up towards your hand, straighten it without putting pressure on your supporting leg or hand, raise your chest inhale and then twist back. Seated twist are kind of warmups for these.

Shavasana : Shavasana is the most important and ignored pose in yoga classes. I mean literally I have teachers who advertise in shavasana about teachers training and discounts. Again, that doesn't mean I give up on it, its a purely internal process that we do to release our body after a yoga class. Its not just breathing or lying down, try this dialogue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsHuGPp9qJo

Bikram : Bikram is a very argued class, its hot its damaging. Well, it kind of is. But there is no other class that has this many poses with specific cues on how to get it right. They train teachers with a defined guideline. My point here is hydrate, choose your spot and rest or just do one set if its too much. If heat really bothers, do it in your home. Just don't quit on it. It sets basis for so many other forms of yoga poses. Its wonderful.


Relax n stretch : When they say stretch, I hear people puffing over extending themselves pushing. A stretch should be one of the relaxing poses, if you are not flexible let it grow on you. I couldn't do forward fold, then one day I figured, lets follow the cue but not force anything. With every breath just relaxing into it helped a ton more than any other thing did. Let gravity help you.


Back: Backbends are my favorite ones. With advanced bikram class, this trick dawned on me. In a backbend, you first inhale raise your chest, then hands stick with ears, feel this straight posture from legs to head, then move back, rise with every inhale. In every exhale lower back works. Its like a dance. If I go too fast, it hurts for days. Curve is created with chest up and then lower back just rhymes with it.


Stomach : Honestly, my stomach is dead. When they say abs, i have no idea how it feels like which is something I should be working on. So sucking in stomach doesn't mean you stop breathing. When we go down for rabbit pose, we inhale take stomach in, even when we tuck in chin, the whole other body is rising. It plays a vital role in so many poses. If I get this one thing nailed, this will change so many poses and increase my strength. More you tuck in stomach, better you inhale and rise. So get used to that feeling.


Knees: Lock your knees, lock your knees. Lets try this sitting. Flex your feet so much calves touch floor. This is the locking position we want in all the balances. Its that simple. Try standing head to knee, just focus on your standing leg, don't stretch your leg to  mirror.  When you stretch, it should be like your leg is parallel to floor and you are lifted in pose. Try going on toes and feel the sensation.  This one tip changed all my standing poses and protected my knee. In warrior 2, never let your knee go lateral. It should be straight. After some time, looking at other people's poses also gave me the idea why knees might hurt.

Soft focus : Focus focus focus, this is yoga teacher's favorite word. Just focus on your third eye. Yeah we need focus but not the kind that makes you pull your eyebrows together. Its how you look at someone you love, softly lovingly with slow breaths. When there is no pushing, pose creates itself.

Setting up posture : In my initial classes, all I cared about was getting into pose. Its so important to pay attention to setting up pose. It eliminates so many mistakes we make. Listen to setting up cues carefully. Supporting or staying in pose depends entirely on setting it up perfectly to your body's capabilities.

Coming out of posture : Yep skipped this one too. I see people barely holding up poses, as soon as she says come out they are down without any precautions. While coming out, never hurry, take it slow, release joints carefully.

Executing posture : Executing pose is just staying in it after setting it up. Lets try plane pose, so we moved from warrior 1, now in plane pose keep your chest lifted, leg lifted like a string connects to you a tight rope and you have no option but to be calm and lifted. With every breath, lift your chest lift your leg, with exhale relax into it. In triangle, you are twisting continuously but with controlled breaths. No matter what happens, if it makes you feel like a cardio race, come out of it gently and go for shavasana.

Breathing : Why do we do yoga? Why do we stay in poses for long time? Is it to lose weight or is it to be an acrobat? Nope its to gain control on our breathing, when we can control them and bring them to a slower pace even in a headstand, that is true yoga. That is the purpose. That is how we align our body energies. Every pose is about aligning body energy with breath. No puffing, no loud exhales like someone strangled you, this should be your natural state. That is the comfort you are looking for. That is the yoga we all should be doing.

Flexing of feet : Flexing of feet helps with lots of poses. When we flex, our calves touch ground and gives a solid base for standing poses and folds.

Practice alone : Usually my spot is in a corner where I see no one, just myself. It helps in many ways, of course there is no distraction of other people's practices, their breathing doesn't affect me, their restlessness doesn't get to me. If I could just practice in nature, it would be ultimate goal. That way my yoga will improve in folds. Sometimes I phase out teachers voices and follow my internal voice.

Namaste : Instructor says shavasana and we roll on mat like a cat. Before going on mat, bow to yourself, thank your body mind for this amazing support on mat, for not straying , for not failing you. Most of all, it is for you, by thanking you establish a gratefulness with yourself for showing up for practice. Everytime I smile and bow down, something in me glows.

Strength: Soft strong focus and strength that is not moved by mind's weak suggestions. Mind will say, lets rest for a while, its for us to see if we really need it or we can push further in our practice. Get this strength and determination in practice.

Grace : Last but not least, whatever you do in life, be yoga or cooking or waking, do it with grace and elegance. When you do yoga with grace, its like a dance where you move in coordinated soft flow. Your face starts showing it. Your body starts feeling it. Its magic, plain magic.


NAMASTE

Relationships need transformation for sustainence

Every relationship that we are in changes with time. Change is vital to its growth. Its not just relationships, its life's rule to move on.

Mothers become friends to daughters, daughters become advisors to parents. Fathers take a step back and just observe. Sisters know when not to intrude where they always intruded without permission. As we grow up, relationships grow with us. They transform to suit our age, wisdom, requirements. If we try to hold on to some old string, its bound to get knots.

Friends who adapted to new me are still with me. Friends who were still trying to fit me into that old mold were left behind. We change according to our situations, husband, life, country what not. So simply passing judgement on people's choices or saying they have changed for bad is not the sign of a developing adult mind.

Any person we don't see on a daily basis is constantly evolving into a different avatar we don't even have a hint of. My sister changes every month, she starts doing new things establishes new rules for herself. If I hold on to that memory of my younger sister, why didn't she just stay like that, it would harm our relationship in million unimaginable ways. She might just want same from me then too. Its a two way street, you give and take. My mother and me discuss bk shivani videos all the time, we make sure no one strays from path. If I go negative side, she catches me. If she goes, I get her back. Keep communication line open so you can discuss freely what bothers you.


All we have to understand is we all have varied situations with a zillion different shaping factors that affect our lives. Even a husband wife grow in different directions.

The biggest gift you can give someone is accepting they are changing and  acknowledging it with full respect. Try to know them more, instead of telling what you need from them, ask them what are they upto, where is life taking them, support them in their journey. If you don't agree, you can probably advice once but then if you poke more, they will never get back to you.

At the same time, don't judge those who don't change. Judging creates more pain in relation. Try to set up lines of communication and include them in your life.

Life is taking them to their destinations. Its not relevant if we have the same destinations or not, lets just enjoy being a minute part of each others' journeys.

See good in people, be happy for them. Love them without restrictions and expectations. Move on.

We limit ourselves: Be conscious

We limit ourselves, there is no one capable of fueling our thoughts, emotions to the extent that we feel misery. Its all in us, boiling calming fuming worrying. People around us can just say a few words, how we interpret them to our beliefs of our own existence and life's ways change us in the long course.

When people start appreciating my practice or say I have changed, previous version of me who is a regular interference in the present journey pops up and says whoa you can kind of chill now, you are good, ohh you are awesome. Then the other dark side comes up and says they are just lying for job, you suck, look at all those hand stands, you are nothing, your body is a pile of fat. I know right, they are extreme thoughts all generated in this one mind, like a double edged sword, pulling me down in all the ways imaginable. No one else did this, I did this to me, when I am not conscious this happens, when I am conscious I think nothing of it and just move on with my practice and life. I take no flattery no disappointments for this is my journey, no comparisons no praises its just what it is.

If someone is better, they obviously practiced better and more in life. If someone is too proud, there is no need to label them further, just accept people like they are walking souls around you. Less you entangle with them, less emotions will rise, lesser fucking up of mind. Labeling, tagging people with character traits or even habits also blinds us to their good qualities which we can pick up. There is no soul we can't get along with.  All we have to see is look at the goodness and improve our life. Even when you advice or suggest, there is no need to expect that person to go with your way.  Again, that would be a trap I fell in so many times.

Indians don't shake hands, they just bow down and do namaste, reason is they are avoiding body karma, the memory that lives with you. So thinking of others, judging or even talking about them is just unwanted karma. It fills mind with unwanted information and clutter that we have to recycle again. Helping others and compassion is important but that doesn't imply we get involved. When you help others, its more for your benefit.

I had a bad trip experience which literally exposed how badly my mind could paralyse everything that it touched. There is this anxiety that kicks in when I  am around people especially kids, teenagers, parents. I don't know the rules which is the first best lamest useless excuse I come up with. We were out in a park, it was a beautiful day, my insecurities start hitting me. Inner voices acting as characters around me, what are they doing in park, they look high, they are so close to ground, who are these people, do they have kids, why is she just sitting there, why are they playing frisbee, how bad is she at it,  why is she doing this awkward pose here, i can do better yoga than her, what is wrong with her clothes. All of these thoughts keep going on in a loop for 3 hours every second of which seemed like an hour. It was that bad. Sheer torture in my own self created prison. Worst prison ever. No one could help me out. I felt like all around people were just mocking me. Next day same ground same me but without people I was just happy and free. My mind fucked up my day. Actually I fucked up my day.


This is the power of mind. It can make you, destroy you. Just 2 hours left me in a state of self pity and wallow.

Realizing what causes it, how to encounter it, how to take one step at a time and be conscious so I don't fall into the trap is the only saving grace. I have to train my mind to be okk with people and not think much of it because frankly no one cares what you do. They were all watching their kids playing or just basking in sun, I made it about me. Every time I am in a situation like that, I am gonna repeat, be cool no one cares, be free be lively. I start generating this negative energy in bundles which even affects people around me. Imagine that.

Do you know when people die, it is best to cremate them as soon as possible. It is because their soul is out and around wondering why it can't enter body but it has no mind to guide it so its going crazy, to top that we cry and give more pain which magnifies without a discerning mind. To help them attain peace and move on, all we have to do is cremate soon and spread pleasantness so it magnifies. Without a conscious mind, we just multiply magnify all our thoughts even if they are self afflicting but without that mind, we are crazier directionless. So if we tap into our mind and use it to our advantage, our life can be wondrous and limitless.


I am the only one limiting myself. No other person will ever have that much power on me. So it could be something deep but it has to be digged out, nurtured so I don't waste more time and energy on wasting emotions created by negative thoughts.