Hmmm what husbands must do? Obviously this is not for everyone. Its only for people who truly want to have a happy life and are willing to sacrifice some of their childhood learnings. We all I mean us the married ones grew up in 80s 90s. We are the ones that are the transforming generation which just means we got to push a lot. Our parents are not really coping with time which is no way linked to operating facebook or twitter. Our kids are going to be the generation that follows North West or Shahrukh's son. It calls for a doom discussion. How is one supposed to balance?
First of all, take your own water and food. On weekdays, start helping your wife even if she's a home maker. Helping doesn't mean serving yourself proudly. It means you got to bring something to kitchen. Learn how to cook. Most of my friend's husbands are awesome cooks. They know how to make the most basic food in kitchen and some of them prepare whole meals too. So yeah, to catch up so your kids transform easily, enter kitchen, make what you like most, prepare something delicious and involve kids too. I surely hope its not a one time story. It shows your kids you are a team and all of the work is equally divided. So when he has to get water or juice from refrigerator or put dishes in sink after rinsing, mom will not do it. Wives also need to take a step back and let people in. Sometimes moms want to do it all which goes way under appreciated. This is what guests will also see and contribute to their max. Even if your mom or her mom come, help her so they see that you two can manage it all. Let people pick after themselves, don't enter that super mom super wife super daughter in law mode. Cooking together is way more fun that watching tv alone.
Secondly, discuss before you commit. I am going to go by example, if you live with your friends and someone calls and says dude I want to stay for like a month. Do you just say yes or consult all your roommates if they would be okk with the idea of someone staying that long? I think most of us will be super polite and unless we know everyone is okk there is no way we will say all right to the friend. Do that with your wife too. She is your roommate for life, if a friend calls and you invite them for dinner without asking, its hurtful for her. Never do that. When your mom calls and asks if she can stay for a month, ask your wife. Its general courtesy. I am not even going to go in all the relationship logistics. Be prepared for negative reactions. Always see it as what if my wife did the same? All you weeping girls missing their moms and calling them for months, stop it please. Your husband suffers too. You are calling a person who will always be on your team. At least discuss beforehand. This is what a healthy relationship is, there should be no dominance from either sides.
Thirdly, listen to each other. We are so involved in our daily chores we forget to listen to our spouses. What does she like? What bothers her? Changing yourself bit by bit for the good reasons doesn't make you "joru ka ghulam " or "sati savitri ". If he doesn't want to go grocery shopping, start ordering online or find friends who can pick stuff for you whenever they go or you can get it yourself. If you don't want to make potatoes, tell him the reasons. I have realized if you open up and answer all the whys whats calmly, it bonds you even more. They know you better if you tell them why something specific hurt you or why you avoid meeting certain people. You don't have to wait 20 years to tell someone their coffee sucks, there are gentle ways of telling it. Love is a strong force. Your kids should witness it, that is how they will learn how to resolve problems without suppressing. Just feeling love isn't enough, use your love to face these unruly situations. I love her, what can I do to change her mind or make myself feel heard? I love him, how do I tell him what i want without hurting his feelings.
Fourth one is don't ever shout or raise your voice. It goes for both genders. We get it the naggy whiny angry feelings of not getting the result. Before we go to these extreme triggers of bursting out, there are inherent signs like not agreeing fully or not putting your point or not getting enough time together. Look into those and solve them peacefully. If a kid sees father shouting or getting angry, kid understands that this is a valid way of putting your feeling across. Just shout and you will get what you want. Teach your kids to stand up for themselves but there is no need to resort to these unhealthy ways of expression. Whenever you get angry, count to 10 and come back, express yourself. If there is too much frustration, join gym or kickboxing class.
Fifth one is never involve third party. Yeah third party it could be friends or family or relatives. For small problems, never involve anyone else. Two of you can solve every problem in household from buying to cooking to raising kids. You don't really need any other person towering or observing. When you disagree on something, don't seek out people to agree with you. Don't narrate your quarrels to anyone unless it really moves on to physical mental abuse.
Next one is changing the person . Indian society gave us few molds like cultured daughter in law, modern daughter in law, modern cultured dil, the one we can ignore dil. Every person is born different, why would you want to snatch their individuality and make them like a factory churn mold. Girls try to change their husbands by limiting their alcohol or friends. Guys do the same by asking to look upto their mothers sisters more. Its way too conservative. If a person is doing an activity in control and it gives him excitement. Why snatch away? In fact the whole point is to become better. Learn from each other how to make the most of life. If he wants to buy tv with his own money, let him. If he wants to get a bike, let him. If she wants to try drinking with you, try it. If she wants to cook her family recipes, let her. Merge don't carry on the family names to grave. Create your unique combination. What our parents did was best with the amount of resources money and exposure they had, we have endless ways of educating ourselves. Don't waste it.
First of all, take your own water and food. On weekdays, start helping your wife even if she's a home maker. Helping doesn't mean serving yourself proudly. It means you got to bring something to kitchen. Learn how to cook. Most of my friend's husbands are awesome cooks. They know how to make the most basic food in kitchen and some of them prepare whole meals too. So yeah, to catch up so your kids transform easily, enter kitchen, make what you like most, prepare something delicious and involve kids too. I surely hope its not a one time story. It shows your kids you are a team and all of the work is equally divided. So when he has to get water or juice from refrigerator or put dishes in sink after rinsing, mom will not do it. Wives also need to take a step back and let people in. Sometimes moms want to do it all which goes way under appreciated. This is what guests will also see and contribute to their max. Even if your mom or her mom come, help her so they see that you two can manage it all. Let people pick after themselves, don't enter that super mom super wife super daughter in law mode. Cooking together is way more fun that watching tv alone.
Secondly, discuss before you commit. I am going to go by example, if you live with your friends and someone calls and says dude I want to stay for like a month. Do you just say yes or consult all your roommates if they would be okk with the idea of someone staying that long? I think most of us will be super polite and unless we know everyone is okk there is no way we will say all right to the friend. Do that with your wife too. She is your roommate for life, if a friend calls and you invite them for dinner without asking, its hurtful for her. Never do that. When your mom calls and asks if she can stay for a month, ask your wife. Its general courtesy. I am not even going to go in all the relationship logistics. Be prepared for negative reactions. Always see it as what if my wife did the same? All you weeping girls missing their moms and calling them for months, stop it please. Your husband suffers too. You are calling a person who will always be on your team. At least discuss beforehand. This is what a healthy relationship is, there should be no dominance from either sides.
Thirdly, listen to each other. We are so involved in our daily chores we forget to listen to our spouses. What does she like? What bothers her? Changing yourself bit by bit for the good reasons doesn't make you "joru ka ghulam " or "sati savitri ". If he doesn't want to go grocery shopping, start ordering online or find friends who can pick stuff for you whenever they go or you can get it yourself. If you don't want to make potatoes, tell him the reasons. I have realized if you open up and answer all the whys whats calmly, it bonds you even more. They know you better if you tell them why something specific hurt you or why you avoid meeting certain people. You don't have to wait 20 years to tell someone their coffee sucks, there are gentle ways of telling it. Love is a strong force. Your kids should witness it, that is how they will learn how to resolve problems without suppressing. Just feeling love isn't enough, use your love to face these unruly situations. I love her, what can I do to change her mind or make myself feel heard? I love him, how do I tell him what i want without hurting his feelings.
Fourth one is don't ever shout or raise your voice. It goes for both genders. We get it the naggy whiny angry feelings of not getting the result. Before we go to these extreme triggers of bursting out, there are inherent signs like not agreeing fully or not putting your point or not getting enough time together. Look into those and solve them peacefully. If a kid sees father shouting or getting angry, kid understands that this is a valid way of putting your feeling across. Just shout and you will get what you want. Teach your kids to stand up for themselves but there is no need to resort to these unhealthy ways of expression. Whenever you get angry, count to 10 and come back, express yourself. If there is too much frustration, join gym or kickboxing class.
Fifth one is never involve third party. Yeah third party it could be friends or family or relatives. For small problems, never involve anyone else. Two of you can solve every problem in household from buying to cooking to raising kids. You don't really need any other person towering or observing. When you disagree on something, don't seek out people to agree with you. Don't narrate your quarrels to anyone unless it really moves on to physical mental abuse.
Next one is changing the person . Indian society gave us few molds like cultured daughter in law, modern daughter in law, modern cultured dil, the one we can ignore dil. Every person is born different, why would you want to snatch their individuality and make them like a factory churn mold. Girls try to change their husbands by limiting their alcohol or friends. Guys do the same by asking to look upto their mothers sisters more. Its way too conservative. If a person is doing an activity in control and it gives him excitement. Why snatch away? In fact the whole point is to become better. Learn from each other how to make the most of life. If he wants to buy tv with his own money, let him. If he wants to get a bike, let him. If she wants to try drinking with you, try it. If she wants to cook her family recipes, let her. Merge don't carry on the family names to grave. Create your unique combination. What our parents did was best with the amount of resources money and exposure they had, we have endless ways of educating ourselves. Don't waste it.
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