How to be an average human? Alien codes

Well if you just landed on earth and didn't know how to blend in putting aside the fact that in our imagination aliens are these weird ugly creatures who roam around naked, its super easy to be earth citizen. It is we are all functioning cyborgs who think we are all different in our choices our lifestyle when in fact its  a code we run on. We do.

To start with, buy iphone. Get coffee from starbucks.

Hmm lets test the theory, say you have extended weekend. What would you do? So mr/ms alien, if you get an extended holiday, plan it like 6 months before. Go to all the places all the extrovert bloggers mentioned with top reviewed restaurants and cheapest accommodations for your category.


Oops category right, we all humans are in different levels of pyramid. There is the homeless who shout and cross road with a puff of something fishy. Then there are the almost 60% working class humans which are the easiest to fit in. Most of the rich ones are doing what they know best, posing working for more bucks again making them just an affluent working class with more stress and better vacation spots. Would you want to swap life with any of the kardashians? Don't even answer or you might stoop in my eyes.

So what do you do when you get free time that you forgot to plan? You make more plans like when is the next sale coming, when is the next cheap flight to any place, when will you have kids, when will you move, where will you buy house. Get on the sites like forsale, zillow, forrent. You do understand the concept of this post, don't you?

We humans do this thing called first eat so much that your body bloats and then we go on cleansing dieting when we start looking fat in pictures. So unless you are genetically blessed fat, eat all the cheese chocolate sugar oil in this world and then when you have trouble rolling around in sleep, join  a gym. Or even better do crash dieting, don't have any intentions of getting healthier fitter body, this all is just to look good in the upcoming party. This post is getting meaner slightly.

You must abuse an animal in your lifetime because every other stupid has one. Who cares if you do not know how to raise them, who cares if you even value them. Just get one and let him die slow painful annoyed death. Pet suicides are not that common yet or are they.

This is a must one. Decorate your house, get fancy things that come in your budget. Put so much effort, it actually looks full like ikea showroom.

We also do this ritual called feed routines where we invite people to eat and then they have to call us so we all gain weight in mutual numbers. Also its practically cool to go out and eat and you must must order drinks but not get drunk, what home food who cooks at home stupid?

This is a new trend so you might not know but you have to have some people over the weekend and entertain them with some board games yeah some fat geeky nerd designed this to make others fatter nerdier. Yeah so do that. Obesity with brains is cool. Also find that pokemon.

If you want to buy anything new even if its  a bottle, compare in zillion sites so you can save 3$. Also look for black friday all day and run your mind constantly so there is no scope of any reality in you. Just live the human dream alien.

Now, if you ever feel lost or confused, ask any fellow american what they like to do or how they would react to a situation and follow them. So if that american likes to say namaste like fucked up Britisher, you say it that way. Its cool, you know what change your accent too. If your name is difficult to pronounce, change it to an american name like john mike amy clancy. There  you go. Better name your dogs american too.

If everyone turns vegan, you must follow. As long as others don't feel inhuman nazi treatment of animals, don't bother. Your time will come too.

Also, one last tip. Always watch similar shows yes and discuss only subjects with money car food house or fake holiday excitement. I am so happy christmas is here ohh my god lets do thanksgiving.

No matter what, you rule your life rules you are fun you are just so awesome even awesomeness envies you. What a great illusion to live in. Keep saving for when apocalypse comes, it will fund your ride to mars.

Huh this is just a random blabber from my mind. So don't take it seriously or may be you should.

Take care. To gain more insight, see this series and follow people with most followers on instagram, pinterest, twitter and welcome to our moronic world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoFoKZ9HgfQ

P.S. Don't watch nature documentaries at all.

Stuck yoga practice got a push :)

It was happening again to me. All the yoga bliss and talks about kriya yoga were getting lost in routine classes and instructors. Even came to a point where decision to opt out and practice at home was made. This monday supposedly I would have just walked in and told them about upcoming euro vacation, make an excuse and quit.

Thankfully my husband's voice saved me. If you start practicing yoga, you will reach a point in your practice where you will feel you achieved  a lot, you transitioned a lot, you probably learned so much you can open your own class. Illusions illusions moh maya. Its all in your head.

Its the routine, the mundane events that kick us into boredom. We start looking out the glass window losing our focus and then if the instructors are all same, you are not paying attention to them too. Some of the instructors also kind of bail out on telling every little detail as soon as they realize 60% students know what they are asking of them. That is highest level of unprofessional-ism because you are playing with someone's body and its flexibility progress.

In case you arrive at this conjecture of giving up to boredom, try these 5 options first.

Number 1 switch to another level of yoga for some time like bikram or yin or yang any other form to bring your attention and focus back. When you are new to a class, you are more alert to cues and extensions.

Number 2 switch your instructor if that is an option for you. Try other instructors. Today I tried a new one and surprisingly she brought out the best in me. I was on one leg, resting my head on knee of other elevated leg. It is because our mind plays tricks with us. There is less excitement in doing same poses with same teachers voice every day. Find a teacher who explains explicitly every move, how you bend how you go down when you inhale and listen to her.

Number 3 switch your spot. Come on everyone has a spot, the cool side the door side the mirror facing one. Go to a place where you just see yourself and no other person if at all it works. This also raises consciousness in body, it doesn't wander to check how many people are resting how many people did it to extreme level.

Number 4 : Start smiling in middle of practice. Like when you are looking in mirror standing bow just smile and reaffirm all is well. Take a deep breath, hold your position and go in the direction your instructor says. When you lie down for shavasana, calm your breath. Today, i did bikram yoga and not once my breath spiked. All credit goes to our instructor. She was awesome.

Number 5 : Don't expect anything. When you are not expecting, you out perform. When you know what your instructor is going to throw when, you get cocky. A lot of people who go for bikram with me were panting today because they were comfortable with other instructors and this one bowled their routine. We get used to things very easily and quickly, that helps our body to adapt but sometimes it rusts our brain.

And yeah don't lay your mat next to stupid people who just pant or show off. Haha don't let them rob your inner peace. Don't practice with your husband or friend, they are distractions too. Go alone.

Keep pushing till you reach your maximum limitations which don't exist. Have you seen acro yoga videos? They are so inspiring. My husband joined yoga too so may be one day we will be the acro couple.


NAMASTE

Easy indian recipes for lazy cooks part 2

Getting straight to the point, lets start with my recent easy recipes. As usual, I am not going to post recipes, I will be posting links to the ones we frequently eat.

1) Tindora fry : My online vegetable order messed up and packed tindora/ivy gourd in my bag. I am so glad he did. Here goes the recipe

http://our-cherished-world.blogspot.com/2011/01/dondakaya-tindora-fry.html

This is a bitter gourd recipe which is really good.

http://sumscuisine.blogspot.com/2012/02/bitterless-bitter-gourd-curry-hagalakai.html

It takes a lot of time to cook, around 60 minutes so be patient or you can pressure cook ivy gourd first. Its simple and easy, sambhar masala and curry leaves make it authentic.

2) Walnut halwa : This is the easiest quickest form of indian sweet you can make. It uses less sugar, takes more fibrous walnuts. If you want, you can add almonds cashews too in mixer. Add saffron to milk. 

http://www.archanaskitchen.com/walnut-halwa-akhrot-sheera

3) Saffron milk : Just the milk in previous recipe with saffron tastes amazingly royal. Have it when its warm. You can make extra milk, use some of it for halwa and then just drink.

4) Mushroom peas curry : It takes like 15 minutes to get ready.

http://indianhealthyrecipes.com/matar-mushroom-recipe-mushroom-curry/

Just add kasuri methi to tomatoes too. It adds a distinctive flavor.
Try this marathi spinach recipe too.

http://www.exptsinthekitchen.com/2013/05/palaka-chi-patal-bhaji-spinach-gravy.html

This is the brinjal curry that is really good. It takes time but its kind of easy to follow.
http://www.tarladalal.com/Bharwan-Baingan-Punjabi-Bharwan-Baingan-Recipe-38493r

5) Radish leaf bread / Mooli ke patte ka paratha : This one is high on fibre and its yummy. Its kind of tricky to make but if you know how to knead a dough, you will be fine.
There are few tips on how to make a good dough. If you are kneading for chapati, add milk or hot water. It will be softer. If you are kneading for paratha like this recipe, try adding yogurt too. For every dough, rub with oil in the end. Fresher dough makes good chapati parathas. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMHcc19eYiU

Healthy Stoning preparations: Before During

Legal check
Easily available check
Posh shops check
No awkward conversations check
Safe edible options check
Nearby check

After all of these checks, I leapt into the pleasures of getting high. Upper middle class can't go through illegal or unsafe practices to procure drugs. They will lose jobs, they will have to go back to a country that not only fines but also humiliates you judging your life on their parameters of civilized folks.

Did you all see before the flood documentary? Its amazing, do check it out.

So how do you start? Well start with hybrid choclates available in a lot of marijuana stores. If you are a smoker, you got tons of options. For me personally, edibles worked. Now if you do get a hybrid choclate, don't just eat it up. Take a microwave safe bowl, heat for like 30 sec till it melts, coat it around banana and savor it peacefully. Your tongue glands will instantly start giving you the feeling of high buzz.

This phase will keep you busy for at least 5 months. Then to move on to healthier to the point variations, go for zoot candies. Again don't just take them like  a pill, you got to have it like you had those pom poms as a child. It will increase the probability of getting a high fast and it will stay for at least 7 hours.

As you get more experienced, you can try anything they have in store. My personal favorites are sativa and indica capsules. Sativa is for saturdays and indica for sundays. With capsules, make sure you give them at least an hour to hit. I try to avoid Sundays because if the buzz lasts, it interferes with daily activities. The best way to get rid of a buzz is yoga. Yep yoga cured it all.

This should go on for at least an year and will make you much more informed.

Before getting high:

Prepare something healthy so you don't gorge on unhealthy snacks like chips or icecream.
Make meal portions and stick to them.
No matter what, don't order pizza.
Have some fresh yogurt ready.
Buy walnuts almonds cashews saffron
Don't buy sugary sweets
Keep vegetables stocked up
Keep fruits like melons apples banana blueberries whichever your favorite fruits are
Get vegetable chips from whole foods.
Get whole wheat pancake mix from whole foods.
If you really want to indulge, get a carrot cake or your choice, pecan walnut icecream is the best.
Try mango recipes
Make walnut halwa it takes 10 minutes, try almond milk it takes 5 minutes
Drink loads of water, just keep drinking
Try egg cheese sandwich
Have rice lentils with vegetables and pickle
Make your own ramen noodles by adding water in the end of chowmein :P



After getting high:

See sadhguru videos
See psyco fink videos
Try sketching
Try robot dancing
Fuck obviously as many times as you want
Discuss people even closed ones, it creates understanding
Watch animal documentaries
See life on us movie on amazon
Try 3d stuff
Well its  no brainer but see hot music videos
Listen to the song of the butterfly hungary
Try samvad music
Find kpop videos
Try comedy shows
See old pictures, you might just go back in that moment for a while
Slow mo bros youtube
Go for a trail walk next day with lighter buzz
Go for a short park walk and appreciate the beauty of nature flowers trees dogs.

Don't do this

Talk a lot continuously
Play board games
Gather a lot of friends
Exercise
Going pub
Drinking
Watching a whole 3 hour movie
Facebook, twitter, instagram blah blah social media
Taking drugs when you are already tired
Eating a lot

Thats about it, I have added more in my yoga journal posts when I wrote about my days. This is turning out to be more like a reference for me like bookmarks for life.

Thanks. In my next post I will post specific movies and documentaries that are awesome to watch while high.

Be responsible stoners you all :)

Yoga species : Types of yoga mates

A few years ago, my first workout in gym inspired a whole post on indian gym goers. Now comes the second edition in yoga version. I am going places, aint I? To be honest, when you walk in that yoga class you don't really expect a lot of different characters. Its just yoga, people come people leave its all silence and poses. Time communication is not just enough to make out the differences. The power of a woman's observation surpassed all the obstacles and here it goes, my indian eyes see cosmopolitan yoga class with all the species in it. It does take some time to notice as you are crumbling in initial classes. Every person looks like a yogi but are they?


Couples : I absolutely hate couples coming for yoga. Why? Clearly one of them got interested first, practiced till they could show off and then influenced the other one to lay mat side by side. Its annoying, they don't even need to compete with others, they are out there proving flexibility to each other. The energy or should I say aura is so distracting surrounding these species. Its road to divorce or breakup, its harsh but thats how truth is. This particular couple will never attain the peace or stability in class or life.

Oldie buddies : Ohh we have been doing yoga for 20 years now together. They are better than the real couple, there is no competition there is no relationship goals pic motivation for instagram. Of course they can be equally irritating with their before class talks or smiling at each other faces. Again, laying mat next to them feels like you are alone against a team. I might be overthinking here but nah its true.

Hot n not so hot : Well we all know that hot women and yoga go together. Out of 10, at least there is probability of having 1 hot icon in class. Then exist the fake hot girls who wear hot clothes, come with makeup on, hair tied like it took an hour to get ready. Hot or not, if they are not doing yoga right, its just a waste of time and money. Most of these hot and not hot come in pairs. Not hot one making the hotter girl look even more hot and praising her all the time like a follower.

Candy guys : Out of 4 months of my brief yoga encounter, there was just one time one hot guy came to our class. This species is super rare in our suburb of city.

Hippies : They all come with groupons or free classes. Their clothes, their hair and super skinny weed body gives them away. Some of them have weird ponytails with lotus tattoos inked by a block artist or perhaps themselves. Obviously, they are good at yoga or at least trying to be good.

Indians : This species is kind of scarce which is really good. Every class has like 2 or 3 indians. Now indian girls like me who are over dressed give others sweaty arms, also no matter how much we pull our ass in, its always out like we twerked all our life. We are all a little plump in US size standards and as yoga makes you lose boobs, you kind of look not so proportionate. Then there are indian guys who dress up like they are going for wrestling, their short red revealing underwear is too much to handle. When they try specific yoga poses, you just die. There are some moments you just wanna blank up in your life.

Hot girls : Hot girls know they are hot, they know people might be saving seat behind or around them. Some of us might even argue why is this species here? I have never ever seen a hot one following up for all classes. I don't know they might be going around showing off in all the classes and taking cross fit in secret.

Beautiful people : Its not just outer beauty, these people are the true yogis with inner beauty. They smile when you enter class, they acknowledge people, they do whats best for their body. If they lay mat near you, you are going to get all the perfect vibes to practice. When they do a split standing up, its not showing off. Its their practice. With shavasana, you feel them not doing anything like they disappeared. These are the people I want to learn from, be with.

Other asians : Unlike indians, other asians are way more competitive flexible and fierce in yoga. They are sexy, they know how its done. They are the future of yoga. I would never lay mat next to them because of the immense hard working energy around them. It chokes me in my practice.

Old guys : A lot of old people come for yoga just in shorts or sports bra with a short. Its not the kind of view you want to see all that loosening fat gathering for full splits. They sigh longer, they are more open to their body functions, they want to talk sometimes. All the effort makes them grumpy after yoga. They are not here for peace, they are just here for the exercise part.

Trainer groupees : These are the bunch of people who stuck by from beginning of class to now. Their faith is with the trainer, this is the only kind of yoga classes they came for. When a class is full to max, you know they are trainer fans. They laugh at all the stupid jokes he makes, they blend in like a family which frankly is super annoying.

Competitors : The worst category out of all. If you want to compete, go for cross fit or group training sessions, leave yoga. As soon as you walk into the room, there should not be any intention of competition. Yoga was supposed to be a practice that you did with no one but your teacher. Times changed, teachers are less and expensive so we moved on to group classes. If you know it all, save your money, practice at home. If you walk into  a yoga room with the spirit of winning, you have already lost.

NAMASTE