Hehe there is so much stumbling when you realize all your life it has been an unconscious ride giving in to all kinds of mental desires, ills. Does it become easier because you now know? Not really, life becomes a constant scrutiny of thoughts emotions actions. When you do something right, you instantly understand the simplicity of the act you could have done all your life. When you do something wrong, aaah its like a cactus prick, double guilt hits. First one is of course you slipped second one is all your life you were slipping so much it has become a familiar pit to fall into and crawl back from.
All my conversations used to flow earlier. Now they don't flow, there are lot of options, reactions in mind. Instant one is always the incorrect lifelong way of reaction. At the back of mind, there is a conflict if I should correct this person or not. Then if I do correct, it so happens I corrected a bit early and they didn't even need direction or they start defending themselves saying they didn't mean it that way. My to the day worst experience is with new meditators like me because we are all lost and stuck in different phases yet so confident sometimes what we say must be damn true. I know that feeling, I used to feel that arrogance so my mind catches it, tries to aggravate me which is another level of arrogance from my side. Hehe anyone heard of those infinite loops in C that take up all the space because you forgot to add a simple condition in mind, Don't look up to anyone, don't look down on anyone. They are just acting on their life's experiences. Why would I get angry if I didn't give myself so much importance? Again, its not how conversation should be. Its like how I would really want to express is not processed properly right now. So honestly, its failure.
Same goes with desires. The kind of desires that pop up are not even mine some days. Desire can take any form. Even a spiritual desire becomes overwhelming, it also becomes a chase. What do you really want, what do you really really deeply want? This introspection is so crucial and yet so unattainable at that moment. How can we be so clouded by our own thoughts and emotions? Sometimes a single obsession rules it day and day over. I know it all the way its nothing I would ever care for. Still after going through all the hell of confusing states, the realization comes. Struggles go on a routine basis, they tire me so much but halfway of this is just a depressing phase. Once you realize the intensity of goal, you know its just minor trifles. A kid cries over everything in a day to day life, within a minute they are over it. To them that is the worst moment but how they recover is the key to it. Letting go is the key here.
A meditator can be a worst critic of themselves and people around. They might be just beginning but seeing what they do wrong in life, what others are doing wrong. Now to me that is the biggest hurdle, mind starts with a positive note all the while judging them at the same time. Its not an intrinsic process I can't control. Its just I never controlled it so it will take time to practice. Accept people is not just a statement but how can I be involved in meaningless chatter. It means nothing to me right. Well, I guess do what is needed is the principle here. Do your duties, do what is needed in world from you, there is no overdoing it, no underdoing it. So essentially, your advice or your dilemma would not be understood by others because they have a different life. Emotions make us over do things. Self preservation leads to not performing duties in name of thousand reasons, best logical reason meditation. Make a balance, decide what is important to do, what you must do, what you need not do and then go about it.
The biggest of my problems is I am constantly thinking what is this person thinking of me. I don't know why there is this immense need to prove that yes I am good, yes I am happy, yes I am doing it right, yes I know, why does it matter how anyone sees me. It shouldn't its their process. Why am i concerned about what happens in their mind? Why do I want to manipulate it to something I would want them to think? In whatsapp chats, conversations, if we just state our truth to whosoever is on the other side, it would be so much easier. Why am I trying to customize people's experience with the same me. I am not saying brutal straightforward truths, just not pretending to be something there is no need to be. This whole pleasing or trying to fit in part is such a downer in so many ways. So essentially, every time this comes, I am going to put a stop to it. No more of this nonsense too. That doesn't mean you withdraw from society, you can still crack jokes, laugh, dance, appreciate people. Its not just one way we all communicate.
Next time, in any situation, this will be my plan
Remain calm, if you get that fast heart or scary thing going where you feel like lying or getting defensive, that being surrounded by predators feeling, take a breath, wait for a minute, then speak with the right state of intention.
There are no more old relationships, all relationships everyone I meet would be like I am meeting first time. Without any baggage or expectations, it would be the new me not some old version going on record again.
I will do what is needed, I will see every situation as something of my making and enjoy it to fullest.
I will not compromise my meditation and diet rules. I will plan in advance so i don't resent any person place . That is the path of life.
I will not preach or advise unless its really needed. Before speaking, I will follow principle, is this pleasant is this necessary will this in any way help? Mind might say, yes but it has to be deep deep time consuming decision.
I will not try to be someone or something that gives me identity or binds me to a certain mold. Shedding personality can only happen that way. What would a human do here, not a wife not a daughter not a sister just a sensible human?
No more yoga talks or showoffs or pics unless I am ready to accept compliments gratefully not inflate my ego.
When i feel too excited, first I will bring myself to stable state where my mind is not in control or my emotions are not in overdrive.
When i am sad or angry, i will not blame anyone. I will think about how I became a slave to the circumstances. Then reform myself from within to be blissful again.
I will state my truth without any hint of pride or preaching or aggravation. How hard can that can be? Just no salt pepper. Just the truth. No cross questioning, nothing.
Aaah there is so much to do but thankfully I got enough time too. Suffering is inevitable but how you take it is in your hands. I can feel wounded or I can get wiser. I try to be wiser hehe most of the times but when the cycle hits again, it wounds me. Lessons lessons lessons.
Thanks,
NAMASTE
All my conversations used to flow earlier. Now they don't flow, there are lot of options, reactions in mind. Instant one is always the incorrect lifelong way of reaction. At the back of mind, there is a conflict if I should correct this person or not. Then if I do correct, it so happens I corrected a bit early and they didn't even need direction or they start defending themselves saying they didn't mean it that way. My to the day worst experience is with new meditators like me because we are all lost and stuck in different phases yet so confident sometimes what we say must be damn true. I know that feeling, I used to feel that arrogance so my mind catches it, tries to aggravate me which is another level of arrogance from my side. Hehe anyone heard of those infinite loops in C that take up all the space because you forgot to add a simple condition in mind, Don't look up to anyone, don't look down on anyone. They are just acting on their life's experiences. Why would I get angry if I didn't give myself so much importance? Again, its not how conversation should be. Its like how I would really want to express is not processed properly right now. So honestly, its failure.
Same goes with desires. The kind of desires that pop up are not even mine some days. Desire can take any form. Even a spiritual desire becomes overwhelming, it also becomes a chase. What do you really want, what do you really really deeply want? This introspection is so crucial and yet so unattainable at that moment. How can we be so clouded by our own thoughts and emotions? Sometimes a single obsession rules it day and day over. I know it all the way its nothing I would ever care for. Still after going through all the hell of confusing states, the realization comes. Struggles go on a routine basis, they tire me so much but halfway of this is just a depressing phase. Once you realize the intensity of goal, you know its just minor trifles. A kid cries over everything in a day to day life, within a minute they are over it. To them that is the worst moment but how they recover is the key to it. Letting go is the key here.
A meditator can be a worst critic of themselves and people around. They might be just beginning but seeing what they do wrong in life, what others are doing wrong. Now to me that is the biggest hurdle, mind starts with a positive note all the while judging them at the same time. Its not an intrinsic process I can't control. Its just I never controlled it so it will take time to practice. Accept people is not just a statement but how can I be involved in meaningless chatter. It means nothing to me right. Well, I guess do what is needed is the principle here. Do your duties, do what is needed in world from you, there is no overdoing it, no underdoing it. So essentially, your advice or your dilemma would not be understood by others because they have a different life. Emotions make us over do things. Self preservation leads to not performing duties in name of thousand reasons, best logical reason meditation. Make a balance, decide what is important to do, what you must do, what you need not do and then go about it.
The biggest of my problems is I am constantly thinking what is this person thinking of me. I don't know why there is this immense need to prove that yes I am good, yes I am happy, yes I am doing it right, yes I know, why does it matter how anyone sees me. It shouldn't its their process. Why am i concerned about what happens in their mind? Why do I want to manipulate it to something I would want them to think? In whatsapp chats, conversations, if we just state our truth to whosoever is on the other side, it would be so much easier. Why am I trying to customize people's experience with the same me. I am not saying brutal straightforward truths, just not pretending to be something there is no need to be. This whole pleasing or trying to fit in part is such a downer in so many ways. So essentially, every time this comes, I am going to put a stop to it. No more of this nonsense too. That doesn't mean you withdraw from society, you can still crack jokes, laugh, dance, appreciate people. Its not just one way we all communicate.
Next time, in any situation, this will be my plan
Remain calm, if you get that fast heart or scary thing going where you feel like lying or getting defensive, that being surrounded by predators feeling, take a breath, wait for a minute, then speak with the right state of intention.
There are no more old relationships, all relationships everyone I meet would be like I am meeting first time. Without any baggage or expectations, it would be the new me not some old version going on record again.
I will do what is needed, I will see every situation as something of my making and enjoy it to fullest.
I will not compromise my meditation and diet rules. I will plan in advance so i don't resent any person place . That is the path of life.
I will not preach or advise unless its really needed. Before speaking, I will follow principle, is this pleasant is this necessary will this in any way help? Mind might say, yes but it has to be deep deep time consuming decision.
I will not try to be someone or something that gives me identity or binds me to a certain mold. Shedding personality can only happen that way. What would a human do here, not a wife not a daughter not a sister just a sensible human?
No more yoga talks or showoffs or pics unless I am ready to accept compliments gratefully not inflate my ego.
When i feel too excited, first I will bring myself to stable state where my mind is not in control or my emotions are not in overdrive.
When i am sad or angry, i will not blame anyone. I will think about how I became a slave to the circumstances. Then reform myself from within to be blissful again.
I will state my truth without any hint of pride or preaching or aggravation. How hard can that can be? Just no salt pepper. Just the truth. No cross questioning, nothing.
Aaah there is so much to do but thankfully I got enough time too. Suffering is inevitable but how you take it is in your hands. I can feel wounded or I can get wiser. I try to be wiser hehe most of the times but when the cycle hits again, it wounds me. Lessons lessons lessons.
Thanks,
NAMASTE
